Admitting ones character defects. The only reason Im doing this is because I have hit bottom and honestly I see no way to change this or do it different. I am lost and I need help because I keep doing things the same and expecting different results. I have to find the solution. A portal if you wish so I can STOP. My life is unmanageable. This is going to get a little long and involved and Im even going to insert photos so if you want to stop here I wont be offended. Here goes: I spend 18 to 20 hours every day attempting to put my house, yard and life together. On October first Im gonna have five years clean. Thats insane! Five years without my drug of choice to save me, pull me out and be my partner. I have done it without what I thought was my best friend. I see now what a lie that was, but honestly, the disorganization and unmanageability is still out of control. I still dont have any social skills. I am lost and afraid. My doggies stuck around and love me no matter what. They have taught me so much about unconditional love. I digress. So heres the problem. My house is an unacceptable mess, my art area is such an eye sore. Its not just messy, its dangerous. The garage is scary. Im serious. My gardens and yard? Out of control, overgrown, feed me Semor, terrifying. And the 2 small storage areas that I have are at capacity and unable to hold the many items that I am not sure if I need or not. My landlord (my dear son Caswell) is at the end. He loves my art, understands my medicinal project and is proud that I am helping people recover from supposedly incurable cancer, and he sees that I am working at pulling it together. He also sees that I am not capable of doing this and hes angry that his house and yard is turning into an episode of hoarders. At certain points I have had it under control. It has looked good but something always happens, (its in the form of a flood, pestilence ie being overtaken by mice or the moth invasion, a baby ie beautiful granddaughter Ellie) legitimate occurrences for sure, but because of my inability to organize or who knows? The whole place unravels and I find myself once again like this. Its like addiction in that each time it gets worse. At this point I am so overwhelmed and I see no way out. I work everyday morning till night. It seems to get worse not better. I am completely overwhelmed. My plan is to have a yard sale again and get rid of a ton. Finish the art pieces I need to go to the art show and then organize my glass. Clean the house and not just shove the stuff into the closets and the already to full storage areas. Feed and water the plants and cut some of them back, and then get into the garage and ........ Ok here we go. Maybe if I were 4 people I could accomplish this in a couple weeks. I am just me. Its growing worse everyday and the people who love me are frustrated. They have all tried to help only to come back in a week and see everything they have done to help has gone back to even worse than the way it was when they started. Im close to losing my home because my son is at his end. And really who could blame him. I hate this, Im embarrassed for anyone to see it but I need to find a way to change it and I am totally unable to see a solution. I am willing, I need help. If you have any ideas please share your solution. PS I have no money to hire anyone. I am on a fixed income that leaves nothing to work with. Is there any way out?
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 19:24:36 +0000
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