After spending a few days away from art stuff, I feel pretty good. Get back to the internet, feel pretty bad. I really need to work on how Ive let the thing Im passionate about turn into something where who I work for, where/if I get published and what job I want or hold/who I work for is tied to my self worth. Its really stupid--when did becoming an artist become about these things? Its all really weird. I never thought, nor really cared about it before. I got into art because I wanted to exist and express myself free of judgement. Critique is fine. And now I feel as if by trying to live that way and explore that Ive created a situation where I look like a horrible individual who doesnt work hard, but complains and cries all of the time. Its so insane. I just wanna do stuff that makes people happy, man. D: Im still on the fence about working, both furthering myself in freelance or a studio. Im partially holding myself back because Im really worried that Ive put a really unsavory image about myself in peoples heads and that itll either keep me from being employed or just be very bad for me. Also, I just really, really dont like the competition. Im fine competing with myself, but honestly, and truly I just want to make people happy. I want to give all of this away for free. I know thats not reality, and I wont be able to, but for me, art that isnt a gift feels hollow. I love helping people, I love making them happy and I love inspiring them. Id love to live my life where my skills are in service to others. Ive just been so fortunate that I really want to dedicate my life to giving back somehow; to taking care of the place I happened to land on. Im really struggling to bend myself to be a good, affluent American because I feel that thats what I SHOULD be. I know how hard life is, and I just want the chance to make it a little easier for others. Thats why whenever I make an ass of myself, I smile because even at the very least, someone was amused and someone else got a chance to say, Wow I feel the same way but I didnt have to go through that ordeal., and maybe theyll feel just a little bit stronger about themselves. Being able to do even just a tiny bit for others is the greatest joy I seem to find. The problem is it takes $$$ to do that, so you have to set that altruism on the backburner to be selfish. Irony. (Also please dont think Im going to jump off of a bridge or anything. Im just asking questions into the ether because Im full of questions, and if I dont ask them, Ill explode.)
Posted on: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 04:59:47 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015