Afternoon all! Another wild chapter in the LIMO CHRONICLES!!!! YEAHHHH!!!!! This is one of the…hmmmm…most unbelievable weddings I’ve ever done. Titled; “Pops can’t hold his liquor.” This was a late afternoon wedding on one of the hottest days in July here in Chicago. Its an OUTDOOR wedding and I am enroute to pick up the bride and bridesmaids at their hotel to bring them to the venue. Now, seeing that TIMING is everything, especially during the summer months when there may have multiple back to back weddings, you HAVE to be on time!!!!! I pull up early and go inside to announce to the front desk that I am here for the “Bonekeesha Alizahe Jenkins” (ok, you know I’m kidding about the name, but you get the idea) wedding party. A few minutes later, one of the bridesmaids comes down and informs me they are having an issue with the bride getting dressed. She apologizes and says they will hurry because she knows they have to be there at a certain time. (She is obviously stressed, you know when you have some family members on “CP” time at a NON-CP time event…) Ok, so I wait…..kid you not, 30 minutes later, yes 30 minutes! The first of the bridal party starts walking towards me. Now the venue is a 5 minute ride away, but THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE NOW!!!! Obviously, many in this party decided on dress sizes THEY AINT GOT NO BUSINESS TRYING TO FIT IN!!! I wish I had a picture, because you truly had to see this to believe it. The bride had a very NON-TRADITIONAL wedding dress as it was a chocolate brown dress, she had on NO SHOES (yep, ankles and feet ashy). No jewelry and either looked drunk, blazed or maybe they had to hold her down and throw this dress on her because everyone looked p-o’d. So I start loading the ladies, and there is a very particular way I have the ladies get in as to NOT RIP their dresses. “Rear-end first, sit then spin.” It sounds silly, but it works and you look classy getting in and out. BUT, one very large sized bridesmaid figured forget this classy stuff, I can do it myself and well….. RRRRIIIIPPPP!!!! (did I mention that she was very top heavy and the rip was right down under her arm to nearly her waist and that the dresses were strapless??) Now I am trying to keep a straight face and not say, “ma’am, I DID WARN YOU”. But being “Johnny on the spot,” I go get my container of various sized safety pins as obviously I have had this happen before. Ok, 15 minutes later we have everyone loaded and I’m pulling off to hurry them to the venue when one lady sitting behind me yells out “driver can you stop and open this bottle of champagne.” I stop and turn around and say, “well ma’am that is traditionally for the bride and groom AFTER the ceremony…” She says “I know, but we wanna drink it now.” I’m shaking my head because we are already late, 45 minutes, but they wanna get their drink on!!!! So, I get out, go to the back and pop the bottle and then hand it back to them. We pull up at the outdoor walkway at the venue and obviously ERRBODY IS ON CP TIME!!! There is a coordinator standing with a clipboard and keeps looking at her watch, as they are trying to rush people to sit down and get seated. You can hear someone messing with the sound system and now there are multiple family members trying to run up to the car and see the bride instead of going to sit down! I unload most of the women who now are trying to finish primping. They are lining up and oh yeah, somebody has to run to the parking lot to get the OTHER pair of shoes for the bride because she STILL has on NO SHOES! Ok, here comes the fun. I normally let the bride and her father have a few last minutes alone in the car before they walk down the aisle. I think this dad must not have had a good relationship with his daughter because she only allows a couple of mins before she is ready to go and she doesn’t look happy. You can smell that the dad has already started hitting the bottle and whatever he said or did has her on 10… I tell her that everything is going to be alright, she looks beautiful and say “and you don’t even have a booger in your nose” to which we both laugh and she says “thank you for making me laugh.” Now somehow, drunk dad thinks I’ve somehow insulted his daughter and says he outta kick my butt. I’m confused for a moment till I remember (he is drunk) and then the bride gets angry and demands he GET OUT of the car right now, he makes her sick and always has to ruin things. The maid of honor comes and shoos the dad away still mumbling. Now everyone is lined up to walk down the hill and begin the wedding. The bride now has her shoes on and is trying to smile while I stand holding an umbrella over her so the sun doesn’t beat down on her and make her sweat. They start marching down the hill as the music plays and drunk dad standing off to the side decides his bladder needs to be emptied at that moment…. Now remember, we are on a hill and for the most part, the wedding guests cannot see the bride yet, only the bridal party as they each walk down the hill. Well drunk dad finds a bush and goes to the opposite side (away from us) to relieve himself…in broad daylight….at his daughters wedding…AND ON THE SIDE FACING THE ENTIRE 70-100 WEDDING GUESTS LOOKING UP THE HILL!!!!!!!!!! At that moment, you hear a few people gasp, a few start giggling and somebody had a few choice cuss words to say. I step in front of the bride, partially to shield her from seeing this because she can’t see the wedding guests nor her dad and also so I don’t laugh or make a face that would alarm her. Dad scurries back near her to take her arm as I help him straighten his tie (while inside I’m disgusted) as “here comes the bride” now starts to play… The last thing I saw, was them walking down the hill together, I can only imagine what the REST of the ceremony was like and I’m sure once the bride found out about “daddy pee pee” she probably banned him from the reception. It took me about 30 minutes to clean out the limo from that 5 minute ride, the whole time I kept replaying the last hour or so in my head and wondering two things… I wonder if the videographer happened to record that, and two, if the wedding was this crazy, what happened at the reception??? Thanks again ya’ll
Posted on: Mon, 02 Sep 2013 14:21:35 +0000
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