Akpos often wondered why his mother never let him suckle her breasts as a baby. According to his maternal aunt, she will rather squeeze the milk into a bottle and feed him from there. In primary school, while his mates came to school with food flasks of assorted dishes, his mother usually stuffed his small snack bag with twelve TomTom sweets insisting he takes atleast one every thirty minutes. He also had difficulty making friends as people were fond of covering their noses while talking to him. When he got into the university, the height of it was when his supposed best friend told him to take up classes in sign language. That got him thinking… Why should he learn sign language when he was neither deaf nor dumb. Determined to get to the bottom of the matter once and for all, he decided to confront his mother that afternoon. ”How true is it that you never let me sucked your breasts? Why am I the only one forced to use a separate spoon at home? Why is it that when I’m having an argument with anyone, I win as soon as I open my mouth? Why have you made me lick over 150 packets of TomTom since I was born? Why do people say I wouldn’t have a problem eating sour beans? Why mama, why?” His mother was moved to tears… ”My son, I didn’t let you suck my breasts because you were born with a terrible mouth odour! I didn’t want my nipples to smell!” she cried out ”I guess that answers other questions” Akpos ran to his room and wept profusely. His facebook girlfriend of two years was finally due to visit the next weekend and his mouth odour seemed unstoppable. The pain seemed to increase each time he came to terms with the fact that mouth odour is stronger than love. He had to do something fast! Two house flies flew past his mouth and collapsed from the stench. In shock, he grabbed a can of Airwick Air-freshener and sprayed some into his mouth. Sadly, the aftermath was a horrible taste. This had got to stop! He brought out his PC to chat with the family dentist and the conversation ended with the dentist advising him to go on a long distance relationship rather than embarrass himself. If dentists could not help him, he was going to go resort to African traditional means. With that conclusion and inquires from some people, he made his way to a native doctor shrine the next day. On getting to the shrine, the native doctor perceived his mouth odour immediately Akpos greeted him. There was no need to tell him the problem when the problem had already ‘spoken’. After the incantations, Akpos was told to bring 20 litres of palm oil, a packet of maggi cubes, 20 cups of garri, 5 litres of kerosene, 2 chickens and three thousand naira in three days time. In exact three days, he complied with the native doctors directives who handed him a small rectangular package wrapped in a red cloth. ”On the day you are meant to visit your girlfriend, take out one of the contents and chew with all your might and strength immediately you catch sight of her”. Satisfied, Akpos thanked him and went home. Upon the arrival of Jane (his facebook friend) to the restaurant where they were meant to meet, he unwrapped the red cloth only to find a packet of ORBIT CHEWING GUM!!! Even Native Doctors know orbit chewing gum has been palliating the mouth odour industry since 1806. Naughty.. Naughty.. Naughty. What were u thinking. This is just for jokes.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Nov 2013 13:32:02 +0000
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