Alan Titchmarsh (who is an over-publicised twat) presents Gardeners’ World. Alan: Hello, every-one, and I hope you are having success with your gardening. This week we are especially privileged to have two guest experts to visit us here in the Gardener’s World experimental garden in Hampshire. They are none other than the eminent Soviet biologist, Trofim Lysenko, and his “boss”, as you might say, who needs no further introduction: Josef Stalin. Good afternoon, gentlemen. [Murmurs of greeting in Russian.] Interpreter: Good afternoon, Comrade Titchmarsh. Long live the Revolution! [Alan uncertainly holds clenched fist in the air.] Alan: Er, yeah. Great. Nice to have you here. I am sure we have lots of exciting things to talk about. [Walks over to a bed of vegetation and squats down to examine leaves.] Alan: Now, what we seem to have here is some kind of mineral deficiency. This celery – and I know celery is difficult to grow, but bear with me – is looking a bit etiolated, in spite of the reasonable hours of sunshine we have had recently. I wonder what our guests make of it. [Huddled conversation between Stalin, Lysenko, and the interpreter.] Interpreter: Comrades Stalin and Lysenko are in complete agreement. Celery is crop with low calorific value: unfit to feed growing Soviet population: unfit as basis to elevate standard of living of Industrial Proletariat. Celery is mere plaything of aristocracy and capitalist exploiters. He who would dig celery-bed digs own grave. Alan: Right. Well I knew we would get some radical opinions from you two. What do you suggest instead? Interpreter: Liquidate and re-plant with standard Soviet maize. Deal harshly with any-one who plants non-approved variety: they are friends of Kulaks and Class Enemies. Class Enemies must not be allowed to infiltrate Soviet agriculture. Alan: Right. Well I think that deals pretty comprehensively with the celery question. [Sidles over to runner beans.] Now, we have had a bit of a contemporary kind of problem here. Vandals I am afraid to say got into the BBC garden and cut down the strings that these runner beans were growing up. If we re-attach some more twine, and tie them back up, do you think they will continue to thrive, or are they too far gone? [More conversation in Russian.] Interpreter: Soviet system has no place for saboteurs, fascists, reactionaries, or Kulak inciters. Requisition all food in twenty-kilometre radius as example to others and make sure perpetrators starve. [Stalin bends down to examine something, and gives instructions to interpreter.] Interpreter: Oh, and dress with nitrate of potash at two ounce per square yard. Alan: [Getting up and looking around.] I wonder now if we could ask you a more general sort of question. There is a very competitive annual prize-giving here in Hampshire, and the BBC likes to take part, because it is open to all. Can our guests come up with anything that will give us on Gardener’s World that little bit of pizzazz that will impress the judges? Something contemporary, something different, something that will lift our garden out of the ordinary? [Lengthy conversation in Russian.] Interpreter: This garden fine. This garden have potential to be model of Soviet agriculture. Meet other gardens with Scorched Earth policy: burn crops, poison water, maim livestock. And enforce collectivisation, employing mass shooting of all who resist. Only this way can the Class War be won. Your resolve must be greater than that of Kulaks. Alan: Great! So we get the official seal of approval from the Russian judges. Thanks, gents. I knew we’d get some fresh ideas from you. [Turns to camera.] Alan: And remember to tune in next week, folks. We have got a real treat in store: a chap – now a successful horticulturalist and flower-producer in the United States, who advocated the use of organic defoliants instead of Agent Orange.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 05:22:14 +0000
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