An explanation on why the results of weight loss are so hard for me to see/accept right now (subtitled: another one of those blunt posts)... Like many people, Ive struggled with weight all my life. Ive always been the fat kid, always been teased, always ended up on the skins team in gym and been humiliated. I hate moobs. I made the trek down from high weight to what I want to be (again) once before, right out of high school. It was one of the few times I could look at myself in a mirror and not be disgusted. I was still not happy with everything, but it wasnt terrifying. Im basically making that journey again here, and youd think that being 53 would mean that my feelings of forty years prior would be gone. Theyre not. The shirt doesnt come off in public, I dont look at mirrors, and I have not-very-nice conversations in my head about what I must look like to others. And here the media wants us to believe that body image issues are largely gender-specific... nope. Couple this with dysthymia (depression), and it doesnt help. I got to a point with my meds where a side effect or two left me in a damned if I do and damned if I dont situation, so Ive chosen to go without. Basically its a matter of choosing which pain you want to live with. Theres probably a bit of mid-life review going on too, but its rather easy to be less than positive about how far Ive gotten to date. when it is far more natural for me to fixate on the to go number that is nearly three times that size. So... if I dont seem to be grasping the value of what Ive done so far, its not because I dont think 30 pounds is insignificant. It is significant, things are going in the right direction, and thats good. Im trashing the fat jeans Ive been wearing for years, and I bought a pair of less-fat jeans that wont fall off without a belt. Yes, its all good, but Im not in a mental state right now where I can see that for what it is. Its a cycle, and things will get better. No comments are necessary, as Im not looking for sympathy and such. I just thought it was worth sharing why I dont seem to be more positive about what Ive done so far, and why it affects me the way it does. If this helps someone else feel less alone in their struggles, then its worth it. I used to share this sort of stuff in my blog (I think my depression post many years ago is still one of the entries that gets the most hits), but Im still trying to figure out what I want to do with that...
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 01:32:25 +0000
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