And here is the ammunition: when I was born again, I found basically two sides, and if you are still reading, ok, but here is what occurred; Two men with whom I worked, realized the truth about me, way before I knew. They had both experienced a divorce. I was the ignorant one, and they the ones who had been there done that. I would not, could accept what and how and why they were doing and saying the things they did to me. It was not name calling, or anything bullylike. No, it was the flinging of stones back and forth between them, but I was in the middle. When I realized their intent, it scared the hell out of me. How could anyone know such things, they knew if I stood, I would be hit with those stones, and they were leaving to my choice. So I chose flight. I did not respond, other than to escape to the rest room. With my heart racing, and beating at warp speed, I sat there, on the toilet, in the worst hell like Id never known. The entire world was out to get me. And I could no longer deny it. As I sat there crying, and wondering what on earth was going on, with me, I prayed for death, to end my suffering. I wanted out. I wanted for it all to stop. I heard my saviour for the first time in my life, and could not believe it, would not believe it, and quickly I am now not only running from this earth, but also my so called saviour. Who was now making it even more painful. Or, at least that is what I was telling myself, and trying to tell them, to just leave me alone. But in so doing, just multiplied it more...........what the hell am I denying now, yet I felt to be doing so, I did not want to but could not stop it----at the same time. I had a wife and child at home, yet here I sit on the toilet arguing with somebody, something, myself and God, all at the same time. Just make it stop, again, I prayed to something, somebody, some God Almighty I want it to stop.....where is the fire?...just let me burn and get it over with. I do not know what it is that I am to do..........show me, tell me, somebody help me please. I screamed silently in this world, yet as loud as I could shout into the darkness of my inner self, Lord, let me have it, what ever it is, just do it and do it now, please......and he did. Within this inner battle of darkness, he answered my prayer and gave me back.............. to the world from which I had been trying to escape, and the reality that had brought me in to this toilet....................and immediately as I opened my eyes and saw that I was still there in the same place, and in the same state of loneliness that nothing had changed, it began again, and even more painful. Still crying, unknowing, I closed my eyes and the world started spinning, but worse than when I would get the twirlys in college drunkiness. I was loosing it bigtime, please God do not leave me here. I am lost. And I think that you are trying to tell me that death is not even an escape.......oh, stop, stop. Make me stop.........................................................make it stop...........and then there was the calm. In that eternal nanosecond of time and space........it stopped. Oh, Lord, if that was you that just did that, let me know............my Lord, have I just died, or what........(silence) ..........(still)........(calm)...........peace?...........is it over?.............I can not even open my eyes not knowing what I may see, so no, keep them closed and enjoy this peace......... my tears have stopped........my breathing easy...........my heart no longer pounding and I do not know where I am, but oh, what sanctuary this is.........................thankyou Lord? I felt as tho the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.......and I did not know how............why............or what.................just peace.....................calm ..........silence...................relax..................I did................rest..................I did................. Jesus?...............................is this death?........................God?........................(silence) my daughter?..............my wife?................................................................my life?.......... ......(nothing but silence......and my thought)..........................Oh God, what is wrong with me?............................all those times I thought it might be you?..................... when grandpa?..................when dad?........................ at church camp?.................. when my daughter opened her eyes that first time?..........................she was so beautiful..........................I told you then, she couldnt be mine....................too beautiful just a few minutes old...................and you had the nurse place her in my arms............ .......and the doctor reached up to remove my mask...................I was crying............... the doctor said we want to share that smile......................and I was...............smiling ..........cause I had seen this new child come into this world.......................and you let me know you were placing her with us......................and yes,..................she was not mine .................but yours.................Oh, Lord.................thankyou.......................thankyou ..........Why am I so stupid?.............................I have heard you so many times................. and knew it was you..........................but I ignored.........................................thankyou you have my attention now......................Oh, Lord...........and I have yours, dont I?..... Oh....................all...................all........................all.................of that was needed............... to get through to me?..........................I took a lot..........didnt I?........................I did not know better..............................yes, I do..............now...................Oh Lord, am I to return?....................my wife?......................how?...............what?........................there is much to be done, isnt there?.........................I will try.............just show me ........... ...........yes, you always have.........................but I would not see..........................or listen..............................................Lord keep me..............use me................. and if I cant:oh yeh thats wrong................I can........................forgive me I am new to this............yeh ........wow....................this is soooooooooooo good..................I never knew................ and still just a babe..................yes..........Yes...........YES........... let me, I wouldnt want any one else to...................I love her...................You love her........................OK......... Lord.............Im gonna open my eyes.................and Im still gonna be on the pot....... arent I?...................OK..........................Ill follow you..................................me too. I found my foreman, who gave me a pass to go home. (Wow, amazing) I drove home in a state of aaaawwwwwweeeee...... That is how my walk with the Lord began, for the next 7 yrs, he walked with me, and talked with me.....................and yes, he told me that I was his own. Have I ignored? Since?...........Does a pig yell wee wee wee all the way home?...................It is his perfect plan, not mine................sometimes. And thats when I get a booster shot. Since I retired, ..........many long nights. Such as this one. But, ......somebodys got to do it.......................yeh, I hear ya..............My God, you are patient. yeh, I know .......well get there...................well get there.............!
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 18:23:04 +0000
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