And to any of us who have ever fallen into the trap of just letting it all hang out and over-sharing out of a deep craving for connection, only to see it have the exact opposite effect (and usually leaving us in a crumpled pile of pain and humiliation): ... [W]e have to see the intentions behind this kind of sharing are multifaceted and often include some combination of soothing ones pain, testing the loyalty and tolerance in a relationship, and/or hot-wiring a new connection (Weve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but Im going to share this and well be BFFs now). Unfortunately for all of us whove done this..., the response is normally the opposite of what were looking for. People recoil and shut down, compounding our shame and disconnection. You cant use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (Ill share this and see if you stick around), or to fast-forward a relationship -- it just wont cooperate... When it comes to vulnerability, connectivity means sharing our stories with people who have EARNED THE RIGHT TO HEAR THEM -- people with whom weve cultivated relationships that can bear the weight of our story. Is there trust? Is there mutual empathy? Is there reciprocal sharing? Can we ask for what we need? These are the crucial connection questions... ...[U]sing vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; its the opposite -- its armor. Sometimes were not even aware that weve oversharing as armor. We can purge our vulnerability or our shame stories out of total desperation to be heard. We blurt out something that is causing us immense pain because we cant bear the thought of holding it in for one more second. Our intentions may not be purging or blurting to armor ourselves or push others away, but thats the exact outcome of our behaviors. Whether were on the purging end or the receiving end of this experience, self-compassion is critical. We have to give ourselves a break when we share too much too soon, and we have to practice self-kindness when we feel like we werent able to hold space for someone who hit us with the floodlight. Judgment exacerbates disconnection. If you recognize yourself in this shield, this checklist might help: Why am I sharing this? What outcome am I hoping for? What emotions am I experiencing? Do my intentions align with my values? Is there an outcome, response, or lack of a response that will hurt my feelings? Is this sharing in the service of connection? Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need? - Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, pp. 159-163
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:23:45 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015