Anxiety is like a living hell compact into your brain, and sometimes its easier to trigger than others. For the past few days Ive been having these tiny, scattered anxiety attacks over nothing. My friends talking to me and mentioning certain subjects just makes my heart pound. Its just been making me start to shake and I momentarily feel like Im being torn away from reality. Its like zoning out, but its only for half a second, and in that time I just feel like Im dying. I feel my heart clench and everything goes silent, even if the noise in the school corridor is roaring. But as fast as it stops, it starts again, and everything is normal. Im shaking, but not enough to be noticeable. Other times its more severe. Like when Im put in the middle of a bunch of rowdy boys on the seating chart in classes, or I have to speak in front of people by myself. My stomach does flips and I cant move. I cant breath and it just feels like something is clawing at my insides. My heart just starts pounding furiously and I just have to focus on not passing out. Or puking. The only outward things that show what Im feeling would be my violent shaking and my face going pale, but nobody ever questions it because Its cold. Shes just cold. I just nod. Id rather have them assume those things than tell them theres an issue. Im cold is much less concerning than My heart is pounding, and Im afraid its going to come to a dead stop at any second. They know I have anxiety, I just dont give details. My friends would immediately tell the counselor, thinking theyre helping, and hell get my parents to put me on medication again, which is exactly what I dont want to do. I dont like the idea of being medicated just to be considered normal. It makes me feel like I cant be a functioning member of society without being drugged up. And I hate it. This got longer than expected. And Im not even sure where it went. Oh well.
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 04:07:03 +0000
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