April 25, 2014 Ive had a good night sleep and feel more equipped to discuss the progress of George Ishu last night. Yesterday was filled with joy and sorrow. Medically, George is improving and his health is becoming more and more stable each day. That makes me incredibly happy. However, yesterday I got a glimpse into his future of rehabilitation. I sat by George for 2 hours while he sat upright in a rehabilitation chair. He was held up only by 2 straps, one across his chest and one across his lap and he was completely miserable. Over the course of the last week George has mostly been sedated or unconscious. For the most part he was very peaceful. Its as if he had a strange sense of serenity, unaware of all that was happening around him. Oblivious to the fact that his life was almost lost and the long road ahead of him. He was at peace. Its only now that he is waking that he is becoming aware of his new reality. I could see the frustration and helplessness in his eyes last night. It took every ounce of every last drop of strength in my body last night not to break down in front of him. I remained strong, choked back the tears and smiled at him calmly and told him how proud I was that he was able to progress to the chair today and that he was doing a great job. Im unable to explain the feeling of seeing your once strong, healthy, capable, 38 year old lover diminished to an invalid within a second. His right side of his body is completely unresponsive which frustrates him as he tries to sit in the chair The straps are the only thing that holds him up as he begins to slowly slouch down the chair. I also see his deep frustration in not being able to talk. I know he fully understands and comprehends things around him and he struggles to tell me things and often times I dont understand and I can see the frustration building in his eyes. At times he just shakes his head and looks like he wants to give up but he takes my hand holds it to his face, slowly tilts his head towards me and kisses my hand. That is all that I need to hear from him now. At times I find myself wishing I could trade places with him. Even if only for the simple fact of understanding what is going thru his brain. Sadness. Fear. Anxiety. Pain. Frustration. Anger. Helplessness. The one emotion Im certain he is experiencing is love. Love is what I will continue to give him and love is what will keep me strong thru this process. Ill hold back the tears until I leave his room so that he will never know of my own weaknesses. He will only see the strong side of me. The side that encourages him. Cheers for him. Pushes him. One day down the road, when George is recovered he will be able to look back on these posts and see how vulnerable and broken I felt at times. But he will remember how strong I was in his presence and the support that I provided him and I know he will be proud of me. I know he will be proud.
Posted on: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 13:36:03 +0000
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