Are we missing the ball? Pun intended. The NFL is coming under increasing scrutiny and apparently for good reason. There seems to have been a mix of mistake and willful blindness and/or deception in the handling of the #rayrice assault on a woman and the #adrianpeterson assault on a child. Judging by the difficult presser for commish Goodell the league is out of its depth, slow to be part of the solution, but also...AND THIS THE REASON DRIVING THIS POST...a major reflection of the larger problem in society when it comes to violence against the vulnerable. Of course the league deserves the attention but it is also the low hanging fruit here. It is now easy for us to cover because you are watching the coverage. And popularity too often pushes media purpose. Here it is a good thing, however. Unfortunately, we are not giving attention and clearly overlooking the more difficult and I would suggest more troubling aspects of the situation. After all the league was only doing what the rest of society does on an even more egregious level. Such as? Being slow to respect the allegation of abuse by a woman. Forget that they ignored what they definitely should have known about the video and the altercation by extension, but how about putting the victim out there to take some blame for her own assault? Voices were low then and pretty satisfied that his fiancé/wife was making a good case for why rice wasnt wholly to blame. And that is straight up bs. He was indicted and pleaded not guilty. That was also overlooked. And then the real SNAFU: the prosecutor cuts him a deal. Where was the outrage there? Absent. Why? Well because the media wasnt as incentivized to police the situation to the congratulations of large ratings, for one. Cynical maybe but we too had to know that if he was dragging her out of the elevator, it was because he knocked her out in it, right? Also, we allow the system to undercut the supposed priority of domestic violence (DV). So the plea deal was avoided, and the prosecutors and police given a pass basically even now. They committed many of the same sins as #Goodell you could argue and they have zero excuses for not valuing the video. However, if you want to fix the problem, where better to focus, the sport or the justice system? A law is only as good as its enforcement, isnt it? Again, the league only reflects the laxity of the system. And for all the calls for zero tolerance - and it sounds great - it may not be that simple. As we saw with rice, the defense often argues successfully if wrongfully that it was mutual assault, and benefits from the victims reluctance to cooperate, often under the guise of the suggestion that the parties have reconciled (and if you need me to explain that victims of DV often stay with the abuser, you need to wake up). So, this gives the player the ability to push the league to respect due process because they may well beat the case for good or bad reason. At a minimum the leagues zero tolerance (which they have yet to establish) would require the players union to go along with it. Heard anyone pushing them on that? Heard them taking the initiative? Ask yourself why not. What we are overlooking in DV looms even larger and I think more troubling in the #adrianpeterson situation. I have heard and had people on New Day who say Adrian Peterson is a good man and a good and loving parent. They also say he made a mistake. They could well be right on the first count and are certainly right on the second. The reality is he almost undoubtedly broke the law. Call it spanking, switching, discipline, punishment, whatever you want… what he did is a crime under the law. And the law is a ridiculously low bar at that. Did you know that the only person you can hit legally outside the area of self-defense is a child? How can that be allowed in the 21st-century? Ill tell you how… Because you want it that way. Over 80% of people polled recently out of 1000 said spanking with an open hand is okay. And that is reflected in the law. States allow spanking with an open hand. Over a dozen states still allow paddling/corporal punishment in schools. You know what happens if you spank me with an open hand? Its called assault. But on a child it is ok. The reason why we have the law in its current malevolent condition is even more deplorable. Simply stated, because we like to hit our kids. Not because there is any proof that it works. And despite all the proof that it is downright harmful. I wouldve never guessed in this age of political correctness I would hear media and pundits and just about everybody stating often as a badge of pride that they were hit as kids and it was good. As a point of comparison, using the N-word in any context gets you the public forum death penalty. And rightly so perhaps. But referring to slaves getting whipped as a logical and reasonable extension for why African-American communities today favor spanking their kids, maybe even with the switch, is acceptable and reasonable to many. Whether or not there is the correct historical connection to the culture then and now, how can we say thats okay? You could say the same thing about the N word, right? Why are you still hearing it so much in hip-hop culture? We are often told because it was a word that was part of the slave tradition and its been carried forward. But what do we say with the N-word? We say dont do it. Who cares if it existed in the past we dont want it in the future. But with hitting we take a different tack? More to the point, Adrian Peterson didnt hit his kid simply because hes black. Again, over 80% of you say hitting a kid is okay. So it is not a black issue. It is an issue. And it is a problem. Are you reading this and saying: Cuomo, mushy lefty, he doesnt know. Well let me tell you, you dont know me and my history and my disposition any more than I know you. I have been physical – too physical – with my kids in the past. Especially my son. And I hate myself for it. Because it was wrong. Because it was a way for me to express my frustration and anger under the misguided principle that it was good for him. It wasnt good. It made him fear me, not respect me. It didnt make his behavior better. It made it worse. And I used all the same justifications we are hearing in society surrounding the Adrian Peterson situation right now. But I am more lucky than most. I am married to a woman who is a much better person than I am. She insisted that being physical would not be part of our parenting. She then pointed me in the direction of learning why that was the only reasonable outcome. And learning how to be a better parent. And I did the research. And I discovered the Yale Parenting Center. And a man named Alan Kazdin. Google him. I wound up doing a big 20/20 piece about the work hes done for over 20 years helping families deal with difficult and abusive situations. He said something to me I will never forget: Chris, at the end of the day if you want to hit your kid hit your kid but know this youre doing it for you. Not for them. The words haunt me because the idea of hurting the people who mean the most to me, ironically, the people whom I would defend with extreme violence against anyone who dared even threaten them… I was willing to hurt them myself. So I now get what should be obvious to everyone. But the opposite is true. I am in the minority. That is clear not just from polls, but by the discussion surrounding Adrian Peterson. Its not wrong that he hit his kid, he just hit him too hard with too big a switch too many times. The law will probably agree. The truth is for all the criticism the NFL is getting for being too lenient with its players, the punishment it brought down on Adrian Peterson will probably exceed anything the justice system gives him. He will likely get probation. I am not suggesting that Adrian Peterson should go to jail. If he didnt intend to injure the kid and wants to change and is given the opportunity, the goal should be for us to be making better parents. But if he had done the same thing to an opposing linebacker after a night of too many drinks, he would probably go to jail. Doesnt that sound a little screwed up? And also, if you were one of those who subscribe to the theory that the reason NFL players hit women and kids because they play a violent game and cant turn it off, ask yourself this: why do they get jammed up for doing these acts so much less often than the rest of society? Could the answer maybe be because we are simply a violent culture? Arguably the most violent culture in the civilized world? So while we in the media and you, frankly, are only too eager to point the finger at the NFL and show how reprehensible its conduct has been… How about the rest of us and society? Shouldnt the conversations about what we do with domestic violence, what is tolerated, what we allow with our kids, what works and what doesnt, shouldnt those be getting attention? Im not judging any of you, but I certainly have judged myself. And I know I did the right thing. I also know it is not easy. I also know that I struggle with it all the time in those not too tender moments that every parent experiences on almost an hourly basis. It is clear we want the league to be better. And it is somewhat clear that the league will be better. I am asking, if we can change the #NFL, shouldnt we also be trying to change ourselves as well?
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 15:46:01 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015