Are you wondering how you can #connect more deeply with your #child ? Would you like to know how to talk to #kids using peaceful conflict-resolution strategies to ease tension or calm aggressive behavior in children? Often, we can be triggered by our own unresolved traumas--both big and small--and this can make it extremely challenging to remain compassionate as we confront our kids big, explosive #emotions. The biggest challenge to using the kind of respectful language that we want our kids to emulate is our own patterns of behavior, and our habits of reacting based on fear. That emotional baggage that we carry can be unzipped without our consent. Then, we unleash unrestrained emotions driven by automatic, unconscious memories and feelings. Our past can trip us up, trigger us into reactionary patterns and cause us to get stuck in a cycle of disrespect, defiance and demands. Perhaps you had a punitive #childhood. Can you think back to a time when you were younger, smaller, less experienced--maybe sometime in the first 15 years of life--when you were judged for your behavior, or maybe punished or shamed or isolated? Maybe it was a time when you felt unheard as you tried to explain your thought process, or anxious, or angry as you tried to get what you needed. What did it feel like to be evaluated, and told that you were naughty, ungrateful or a mess, or that you would suffer the consequences or be isolated from peers, family or activities you loved? What parts of your body are awakened when you let those emotions surface now? ➳ Disconnecting Words Dont you make me stop this car! (challenge) Do you want me to get into an accident? I cant drive with this fighting! (guilt, shame) Now, knock it off! Just be quiet for five more minutes, were almost home! (demands, negotiation, logic) One more word out of either of you and NO park today. (punitive consequence = fear) ➳ Connecting Words Ive pulled over to the side of the road because this isnt working for me. (observation) I cant drive safely while distracted. I recognize this is important to you. (acknowledge EVERYONES needs) You and your sister are having words. Youre feeling very upset about something. (validate feelings) Im not going to drive until it is safe. What is your idea for solving this? (hold off until we get home, speak in lower tones, take some time to cool down) I am willing to help when we get home, when I can focus on what youre telling me. Are you willing to wait? (requests + cooperative solutions = quality feedback) ➳ Disconnecting Words How dare you speak to me like that! (challenge) Use your manners! Be patient. (demand, judgment) Youre not making me happy. Ive given you three chances! (shame/blame) If you cant wait your turn and ask nicely, then you lose your chance! (punitive consequence = fear) ➳ Connecting Words I hear how angry you are. (observation) It was important to you that I listen to your idea. (acknowledge needs) You got excited and worried that you wouldnt be included. It was hard to wait. (validate feelings) Those words dont help us find a solution. Would you be willing to...? (ask in a different way, slow down and start over, help me understand more about your idea) I will be more mindful, too. This will help us both respond in ways that are respectful. (requests + cooperative solutions = quality feedback) When we feel understood, we can hear and process new information. Its not about scripts, saying the exact words, or all-or-nothing choices. Nor should our goal be making kids obey. Its not that you need to say these exact words, or even all of the words. Its that you go in with the attitude and intention of the connecting words, rather than the attitude and intention of the disconnecting words. It is so easy to presume that we know what our kids are intending when they act out--to superficially judge their decisions as wrong and want to dominate their behaviors. Wherever you go in with the attitude of youre wrong, youre likely to receive defensiveness in return. Assumptions about right and wrong tend to cause the other person to shut down to anything you say after that. No one likes to be accused of being wrong. Even when the person is wrong, compassionate requests are more likely to get you heard. Fear gives us an easy, seemingly negligible, tool to use for obedience. A raised eyebrow coupled with a certain tone are effective sometimes. But only sometimes. Ultimately, fear keeps us focused on the outcome-- it leads us to want to control behavior so we can feel better faster. But look at what that teaches kids about the world: ➳ that others can influence our behavior (rather than leading us to reflect on how our behavior has affected others). ➳ that it is okay to use our power to dominate others. ➳ that it doesnt matter what we think or feel; we simply must obey. Conscious parenting is about thinking in new ways, ways that build your relationship. When you consciously parent, your kids will want to cooperate with your requests. When you communicate respectfully, your children will do the same! #parenting101 #parenting #feelings #teenagers #communication #family #health #wellness #Hoboken #NJ #consciousparenting #love #happyweekend #Friday #happyFriday
Posted on: Fri, 16 May 2014 14:20:18 +0000
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