Argh. I had a rather bad crash today during work. My mood dropped and all I could think of while putting boxes on the shelf was Am I going to be doing this forever? I might as well be. My art means nothing, I never went to uni so even if I did manage to make some kind of portfolio they wouldnt look at it because I havent plastered a degree on it. Every road in my life seems blocked I would love to sing and do covers of songs, but I dont have the right equipment, programs, or most importantly, I dont have the confidence for it. I would love to do really elaborate cosplays, but I cant sew or make any costumes I want, I cant burden my friends with it as much as I appreciate their help and once again, my confidence is highly lacking because of when I put on the cosplay I dont feel like I look good at all. I cringe at photos of myself for the most part and then feel like Why did I think that would look good? Im probably pissing people off with my low self esteam and to be honest, I dont blame them. I want to try and make BJDs, I started one, but once again, my confidence in my skill killed my motivation to continue with it and a mistake knocked me off my feet too. I know I wasnt going to get it right or perfect first time. That would have been a miracle. Though it urks me when I see others go at something for the first time, sewing clothes, doing a face up, mods, sculpting, what ever and being amazing at it. Why cant I have that kind of luck? Its unfair that I have to try and it takes me ages to improve anything, not to mention I dont really have to space or work surface to really try anything. I wish sometimes I could just relive my life. A lot of the decisions Ive made have seemed to be wrong in the long run, but hey, I dont have the gift of foresight. If Id gone to uni when I did, I would have finished by now, perhaps had atleast a degree under my belt so it would be easier for me to do something I loved as a career, but alas this is not so. Im self taught, which I guess is something to be proud of, but it means jack shit to most companies and other such professions, plus there are a lot of things I cant do when it comes to drawing. Backgrounds and my digital work sucks ass when it comes to colouring and other features like textures. Sorry for the massive rant, but right now I really dont see any kind of future for me with anything that I do or try to do right now. Im a very jealous person and get knocked off balance very easily. I compare my work to others who have probably had years of experience, but my head gets caught in the loop of If that person can do it in why go, why cant I? Why is my luck so shit? Ah well. Ill shut up now. Sorry again to people who have tried to help me in the past. I do appreciate it I really do, I just hate myself even more that such kind words and compliments dont seem to sink in because of having such a low opinion of myself...Yay me
Posted on: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 05:45:49 +0000
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