As I reflect back tonight on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I thought I would share with you my thoughts. 20 years, 3 months, and 16 days have went by since I said Hello and Goodbye to my angel baby, Jenna Marie. I had experienced losses in the 23 years I had been alive, but not anything like this. How was I EVER going to be able to survive burying my own baby? Didnt God love me, and realize how much I loved her, and needed her to be ok? How could He take away something that meant so much to me? Something that we had planned for, hoped for, wished for, dreamt of? How could He be so cruel? What had I done to deserve to not be able to see her smile, hear her cry, listen to her giggle? How was I going to explain to her big sister Kara Pratt that God needed her in Heaven, and we wouldnt be bringing her home after all the plans we had made? How? Why? What was I going to do? I will tell you what I did to get by----I lived one second at a time. I cherished the fact that I was able to get to know her for the time she lived inside of me, that I got to feel her movements, her kicks, her hiccups. I vowed to myself to never forget the way I felt at that time--to remember how I hurt more than I ever thought possible, and how I thought no one understood. I read poems about loss, stories about grief, books on baby loss. I treasured the photos taken of her, smelled her baby gown often, read and re-read the cards we received. I grieved, but I lived through it, one second at a time. Many seconds have passed in the time I had to leave her side, the hole in my heart is still there and always will be, but I have learned to live so as to be guaranteed to see her again someday. Each day, I try my best to be the mom she would want me to be, because I know she is still the precious angel I gave back to God on 6-29-1993.
Posted on: Wed, 16 Oct 2013 00:06:05 +0000
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