As a non-smoker, Ive summarised my feelings towards smoking & people who smoke, by describing a normal social environment but substituted the word smoking for farting. Im sat between two friends at a bar, weve been there all of 2 minutes, & Friend 1 to my left exclaims with mild agitation Damn it, I really want to fart. I roll my eyes, because just 20 minutes ago, Id kept her company as she stood in the street & farted for 5 minutes in the cold. To my dismay, Friend 2 to my right says, Actually I really wouldnt mind a fart either- but lets not go outside, its ok to fart in here. The two friends lean back, & without much break in conversation they begin farting. Im trying to stay tuned into the current topic, but the noxious emissions are already itching my eyes. Friend 1 reaches for her drink, & slowly releases a cloud of fart just a little too close to my face. She barely notices. I politely try to brush the permeating fart cloud away with my hand, resisting the urge to frantically bat at it like a cat to a laser pointer. I can feel it seeping into my lungs - I discreetly cough, bringing my sweater cuff to my mouth, trying to inhale a few filtered breaths through the fabric, but its of no use, the fart particles are too wiley, they dive down my windpipe into the spongy tissue of my poor squeezebox - slowly choking it. The act of farting is like a contagion, it spreads the urge to other people nearby to fart. Unconsciously they adjust themselves, assume the position & start farting too. By this stage, the bar is awash with a choking fart cloud. Like Sauron, my eyes are aflame, darting hysterically from corner to corner, but I find no reprise. By now, my asthma has flared up, fearing imminent death, I take this as my cue to bid my friends farewell. Biking home, I am relieved by the freshness of the air brushing against me, purging my lungs & soothing my itchy eyes. Upon arriving home, Im lethargic, having had one too many drinks & inhaling several too many passive farts. I slip into my freshly made bed. I do not drift into a pleasant lull however, I become acutely aware that the stench of farts has followed me home, its in my clothes, in my hair, on my skin. I am soiled. Washing the acrid funk away, I ponder peoples motivation for farting, & the common justification. Oh I only do it when Im drinking, usually around other people who are farting. Its just so relaxing, & its social you know, like something that you can have in common with any stranger - its an excuse to share a moment with that person. Realising that farting will always be a phenomenon, & that its my choice to spend time with people who seem to have a perverse enjoyment of it, makes it difficult to criticize in any serious way. I guess to conclude, farting is totally fine, Id just prefer if it wasnt in my face or in confined spaces please.
Posted on: Fri, 16 May 2014 15:06:42 +0000
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