At R Amy Daley Moores suggestion, I reviewed my medical records to seek a possible cause for the ordeal I went thru, during my last appointment at the Audie Murphy VA. Im going through a rough time internalizing that most often, the message I get, is Im not wanted in veteran care. Im a nuisance, an outcast, an annoyance, and a liar. I feel like a leper. This has been going on since 2006, when a Clear and Unmistakable error began. Im soul scared to realize I HAVE to leave VA primary care, in order to get better. I cant reform every VA I walked into. Im sick. In doing so, I feel Im leaving behind fellow veterans, who cant exit the system, or advocate for themselves at all. And, I grieve what my perpetrators did to marginalize me from the military, that Im so very deeply, and profoundly, proud to have served in. To me, telling the Air Force story, was a calling. I chose not to aim for a commission, because I felt that strongly about telling the enlisted story. Can you imagine the joy of being able highlight the work of an E-3 airman, from rural America, who was now entrusted to load bombs. Or a female airman in Qatar who diligently loaded F-15 aircraft ammunition, to support the war against terrorism? Ill never forget walking into the hangar set in the boot-melting heat of the Qatari desert, seeking photo opportunities. The sight of this young lady, among a crowd of young male aircraft maintenance technicians, stood out like a sweet fancy flower, set a midst a field of dandelions. Here was a clean cut, girl-next-door, a pig tail on her brow, taking on this rugged responsibility, like nothing doing! I was proud, and excited, to show her face to the broader community ... if I could. Fast forward to today ... Before I was a crime victim, at one point, I had one child at my knee, I was pregnant with another. I attended a university at night (3.5 gpa) while performing public affairs on active duty. I was a top ten graduate at leadership training, while 7 months pregnant. And, ultimately, ended up instructing public affairs for the Department of Defense. And yet ... I figured out how to access medical notes on MyHealtheVet last night, to see: was there a cause for her seeming over generalization, baseline disgust, and distrust of my intentions, and plea for sleep relief, muscle spasm, and severe nightmares? On the day of my appointment, Id been going on many days of sleep deprivation. I couldnt function, or barely get myself together to get in the car with my caregiver. It was the first time I met this doctor. And quietly, there is this hope that well connect because she is a woman. But, her rudeness, piercing dirty looks, and down right intolerance of my presence, and observations, was me dodging land mines, instead of receiving care, or feeling visible, and worthy of help. I was not worthy in this doctors eyes. And so, I discovered, the problem. Listed in the notes, for that visit, amongst her clear documentation that she felt I was drug seeking, without justification, was listed 2007 BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Voila!! BPD ... my symptoms dont meet the criteria for BPD. They never have. Ive been treated by at least 5 civilian doctors whove affirmed this to me. And grieved with me, while I fought back a custody suit which main emphasis was THIS errant diagnosis. So here I sat, vulnerable, exhausted, exposed, once again ... my very character under attack, precious medical care, and case management literally withheld. My presenting problem this doctor notes? Back Ache stating that I said to her I need Flexiril. I described to her, that I was having severe nightmares, (if I told you what about, it would disturb your peace) where my whole body was spasming in the night. To the extent that my significant other watches it happen, and feels helpless. To the point that I experience all over body pain, and stinging, and body pain much akin to what Ive heard rheumatoid arthritis, or fibromyalgia, symptoms are like. Why? Because Im back in Texas, after being alienated from my children for 4 years, and hes continuing to triangulate the children against me, so I have to leave again, out of self preservation, and to spare the children the burden of loving me, and not being able to benefit from having a mother. This is long. And I thank you for listening. As I walk away from the VA with my tail between my legs, my self esteem, and self worth in the gutter, disillusioned by the rejection at the hands of my own government (or so it feels.) And feeling foolish for caring so much, and wanting to feel as though the gift of the VA medical system was meant for me too. Rather, than the truth ... it wouldnt have mattered if Id ended up dead in 2008. It just would not have ... and I will live with that truth for the rest of my life. I leave my last accounts documented here, as record, that I tried. I cant live like this anymore, in the thick of a fight that breaks me down. I did all I could do. Ill now open a new chapter, devoid of this broken institution, all the wiser about my future choices, and recovery. Hoping that there IS new life, for me, new horizons, unimaginable. Is Anybody Listening? (I know you are here in Service. For that, I am eternally grateful.) Signed, Sarge
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 19:09:06 +0000
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