BREAKING NEWS!!! (NBN) [South Bend, IN] - IRISH OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR MIKE DENBROCK VICTIM OF BIZARRE MEDICAL EXPERIMENT!!!! In an exclusive investigation performed by the Owner/Editor/Janitor of Irish Bandwagon, me, it has been discovered that the unspecified surgery undergone by Coach Denbrock was a combination lobotomy and cerebral transplant, designed to give Coach Kelly greater control over Denbrock and ensure that Kellys offense remains unchanged when Denbrock finally takes over play calling duties. Rumors swirling around the coaching offices (started by me) say that Kelly was starting to really get pissed off by Denbrock questioning his play calling and using terms like predictable, unoriginal and pussy-like. It is also widely believed (by me) that Kelly wanted absolute control over Denbrock and his thought process and his wife. I spoke with highly respected sources; a trainer at The Gug, a surgical nurse at St. Joe Medical Center and the tech who cleans the surgical suites at Western Veterinary Clinic, and discovered that Coach Kelly was getting more and more irritated by Denbrocks questioning of his play calling and especially Kellys obsession with former ND QB Tommy Rees. Kelly threatened to fire Denbrock for insubordination but, because they are long time friends and coaching partners, he chose another route. Last Monday evening, as Denbrock was leaving The Gug a team of Blackwater operatives abducted Denbrock and whisked him off to Memorial Hospital for this radical surgery. In this procedure the patient is first given a pre-frontal lobotomy, leaving the patient incapable of rage or other extreme emotions. Next, a cross section of Coach Kellys brain was implanted in the center of Denbrocks cerebellum. Sources tell IB that the cross section of Kellys cerebellum was harvested just prior to the 2012 National Championship game and cryogenically stored for just this purpose. When I cornered, uh, I mean asked a neurosurgeon who regularly tunes up my brain if this was a safe procedure he replied,Shit, Norberg, the stuff I do to you is kindergarten material compared to this! What Kelly had done to Denbrock would terrify Frankenstein! This is Horror Sci-Fi on acid! When I attempted to ask Coach Kelly the type of procedure that Denbrock had undergone at his press conference I was tackled by security, tased and beaten with batons. I took this as meaning I had struck a nerve. The cops said I was in violation of my perpetual restraining order again. Frankly, I am on to something here!! [NBN is the Norberg Bullshit Network, a wholly owned subsidiary of Norberg Septic and Health Food, LLC.]
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 14:18:39 +0000
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