Back from hospital, the news is what I expected, days or weeks to live as my bloods are not good at al. The chemo is not working, there are no alternatives, the Cancer is spreading like wildfire. I signed a do not recucitate notice today, arranging the funeral Friday, discussed the coffin just need to email the order. I had hoped for a little more time and that respite time but that is not to be, I will just get tired and tired and sleep more and maybe have terrible pain. I have decided to die at home. Nothing to add really other than continuing to live in the moment, wishing for miracles looking out for the best, getting rid of anger and dissapointment as quickly as I can, frightened as I cant make the stairs now and feel trapped, wish we had sold the house, that is one of my main disappointments I wanted to die knowing that Jonathan and the boys future was safe and secure but even that Ive been denied. I will continue to post when I can and hopefully good uplifting stuff but I am sorry if this is all a bit self indulgent. Trying to render what I need to do before I die, like throw out all my old pants , sort out designer clothes that can be sold to an agency and help the boys, sort out jewelery, make sure I dont get embalmed by undertaker when I just want to be cremate, no makeup and expensive blow dry when no one is going to see me, just a bunch of daisies on the coffin not an expensive bunch of roses when that money can be used for the boys and Jonathan to go away at half term and have fun. I will just be a Cancer riddled husk to toss on the fire ,why waste money on that when my little ones can laugh instead?
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:02:15 +0000
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