Bear with me for a moment .. I have a confession to make and some apologies to give ... Sometimes, as hard as it is for me to push a pen to paper, I know for a fact theres only so much time left on earth & people have a story to tell. After losing 2 rough drafts on devices and what seemed like permanent sabotage, I bought a few notebooks. ... Imagine someone loving you enough to tell your story because you ran out of time. ... That being said, I felt it was my duty to painfully & laboriously write out each loving word, each memory, each story ... So I snuck, late into the night. Pretending to sleep. Risking a relationship ... Letting things I normally do around the house go, including myself ... Letting the magnitude of the memories and the emotions of constantly thinking about this person as I wrote and wrote and wrote ultimately portray a side of me I never knew existed and not so much in a good way. The past may be dead and gone ... & Im sure everyones really sorry ... But those arent the words you would expect to hear under the circumstances. For me, they hurt more than anything, so bad they were a driving force of motivation. I was called some not very nice things, reminded of my past, my failures and my behavior, I was reprimanded and belittled. I knew why & I didnt care. I consumed my thoughts & time with this project. Imagine going where Ive been for the last 3 months ... Digging for pieces of history and stringing them together. Probably not healthy ... So I kept this a secret. I kept it a secret because when it comes right down to it I owed it to him to write his story ... Ive lost a lot of respect from people I really care about in the last few months for randomly posting things and not following up, for declining invites, for being exhausted hurt and irritable. ... But today, 3 months after the day I started (on paper), I have over 1400 hand written pages. Although I feel like Ive slighted my grandpa, for the time being, my work is done. I wish you all could read it, but Im not a writer. I barely even make sense when I talk. .. I can only imagine the criticism i would get from family and especially those few I look up to so much, the ones I strive to be more like ... Consequently the exact ones that refuse to get to know me without feeling like they have to knock me down. .. This was for me. Not for you. Im sorry if Ive been over here and over there and short-tempered. .. Im sorry I dont always say the right things. Im sorry if Ive embarrassed anyone or hurt anyone ... But guess what? 1400 hand written pages! ... I cant even write a grocery list. Ill be in meetings for the rest of the day ... Please, keep your opinions to yourself.
Posted on: Mon, 02 Jun 2014 17:15:56 +0000
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