By the end of the trip, I felt so exhausted I was ready to be back home. And now I harbor regret that I didnt do more and didnt take more in. This was the greatest experience of my life and I think I may have squandered it. I havent felt the experience of family in a long time and I had it unexpectedly. I was blown away by the love and realness of the people I shared this experience with. Its so hard to come back to your regular life and regret and miss. I hope these people (haha) realize how much the whole experience means to me.. for how much it fulfilled me and brought me to the realization that Im not alone and that God is for me, not against me, and not the vengeful or sadistic one I knew before. I used to think of Jesus as a brother and father that just wanted to screw with me and kill off all of my family off to see how I twitch and if Id ever come back. To see if I was worthy or if I was a soldier. That sounds harsh but it was harsh for me too.. for years. I was beaten down and cheated from the happiness that I see most others my age having. Ill never be the son of a rich man and Ill never be the son of a happy living family that has turkey dinner on Thanksgiving or shares gifts for your birthday and now I hate holidays and birthdays. Ill never have that security that everyone I know has. Ill never be a doctor because I was told I couldnt be that by family that thought I was less or weak. And Ill never be a regular guy. Ill never be the solid type that will find a wife. And Ill always be an orphan and destroyed. But now Ive witnessed pure happiness in people that are confident in God and his works. That are happy and that tell me why they are that way. And Im understanding the Why. And have witnessed people that suffer more than I will EVER suffer. And in my own life Ive seen people completely lost or just plain unhappy, torn, or crushed. If only those people have seen and experienced what I have, I feel that they would see that they are never alone and the love is there. Ive never met a more humble type of people, or selfless. A type of people you cant compliment because they attribute all of their actions to Gods work. Im blown away by that in this selfish world - in a world where whos cool and whos not is everything completely beside character and morals. As soon as I came back from my trip I fell into my old ways. But at least Ive seen something positive and something I can work on and reach for. If anything, I found family and the same feeling I had when my parents were alive on Christmas morning. Im tired of being alone and financially driven, profession mastery driven, and mentally toughness driven without regard to my own happiness and my soul. Just transport me back to Guatemala and let me do it again over and over. And better each time.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 10:57:49 +0000
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