Can you imagine? Just being stuck…always just being sick and stuck. Its so hard being sick all the time, but without school or a job I feel like a worthless, useless, and like unproductive human being most of the time. Just being sick makes me feel worthless and ashamed. So today I am angry, angry about it all. Angry, Angry, and Angrier. That’s the nicest way I can put it! Anger, shame, frustration, helplessness… Everyone is different. Some may find remission for years, but for me, I have symptoms almost daily. Truth, EVERYDAY is different. I may feel ok one day, sick the next, and pretty good for a day or two, but then I am put back on my knees. It is sort of like ALWAYS having the flu or a stomach bug. And Crohn’s is notorious for affecting and causing a million other problems. I have had Crohn’s since I was 19 years old, I am now 31 so I have dealt with it for many years. And I fought, like I always do. I fought through my undergraduate years, I fought through my master’s degree and teaching at the University of South Alabama, but when I finally reached my dream of getting my PhD and received an assistantship. The fight was taken out of my hands. It was only weeks into my new assistantship in 2009 when I was put in the hospital for my first long stay, OVER A MONTH. That was just the first of many long stays. CMV, pancreatitis, constant infections and then seizures took over. I couldn’t remember my own birthday or what was going on for days much less take PhD courses. But I kept thinking, I will get back, I will achieve my dreams, this wont stop me. But it did… So I did my hospital stays and I fought and fought and fought and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Friends, family, church members visit and talk about the Book of Job. So I read Job and I pray, but it doesn’t matter. It never seems to matter. During my youth and teenage years, I was very blessed with the ability to play sports and school came easy. I thought nothing was ever gonna slow me down. I thought I could take on the world, possibly rule it (lol). God gives but he can take everything away from you in the blink of an eye. My family is a system of love and support! Without my family helping me, physically caring for me sometimes, and giving me a roof over my head, I 100% would be homeless and dead. My mom has saved my life more than once now. So for those people out there with chronic illnesses without a support system like my family, what happens to them? Who helps them? Who takes care of them? My prescriptions, insurance, hospitals bills etc.. is drowning me and my parents. So I swallow my pride and apply for disability, I was told that I would have to either live in my car or in a shelter to get disability because I live between houses Sister, Mom, Dad, boyfriend and they all make too much money. Seriously, lady at lawyer said I would have to live in my car or just go straight homeless. I have a master’s degree, but cant have a real job because I cannot be relied on to be somewhere on a daily basis because of all of my health conditions. I would give almost anything to go back to school and get my PhD, but when you live in a hospital without a job for 5 years, there is just no way. I have been out long enough that student loans need to be paid (so do thousands of dollars in hospital bills) so there is ZERO chance of student loans again. . I have cleaned peoples toilets to earn money but being in and out of doc appts, hospitals, and being sick makes me completely unreliable. So I cant even be relied upon to clean your toilet. Let me repeat that one for you again, My name is Ashley Ripple and I cannot be relied upon to clean your toilet. So, where do I go from here? What do I do? I have never felt so LOST….
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 18:03:17 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015