Chapter 47: November 22 2014 On November 11 1989 I was sitting in front of the TV looking at the Berlin Wall being torn down i remember thinking how cruel could people be towards one another. I was very happy to see families being reunited after decades of separation. I felt for them. I wasnt feeling very well 25 years ago and it dawned on me while I once again was watching what happened to the people of East and West Berlin 2 weeks ago November 11 2014, it is 25 years this Christmas that I had the worst time of my life my breakdown my total and utter meltdown. Each and every Christmas after 1989 has been a struggle, I really had a difficult time. Christmas is about family and reaching out to one another, it is about love and kindness, Christmas is a time for reflection, since the new year comes shortly after. I couldnt show that I was having a difficult time because I had caused so many worries during Christmas of 1989. Not even I understood the magnitude of what was going on within my inner universe nor did my family, the children were way too young but still old enough to understand that their mom wasnt as she used to be. I was forever changed. Many might say that I cant blame adoption, but I will and I will challenge the impact until Im not part of this world. I have lived a life in deep sorrow and fear. Im sorry but this is how Ive felt all my life and eventually my backpack was more then full and way overdue. I had to deal with my past. I had to deal with my breakdown but never ever mentioning the fact that I was adopted. How could I, no one would ever understand. I didnt, so how could others. I got myself on my feet again and went on with my life. Adoption has annoyed me in so many ways but Ive never been able to be completely honest with myself. Many of you that have followed me on my journey know that I took a drastic turn around during Christmas of 2013. I have come to understand that, I was once again reflecting over my own situation and wanted to know the truth and my roots as I have since I was a little girl. That is what hit me. Know I understand. It was just buried inside of me because that was the only way I could survive as a mother of 4 and being married to the love of my life. Its Christmas in one month and once again Im reflecting over what this incredible journey that I set myself on Christmas of 2013 has done. For the first time in my life Im free. I can openly talk about my deepest thoughts, I can openly talk about the family that Ive never known, it has been a deep healing time for me, but it has also been a roller coaster ride that non adoptees couldnt imagine. Whirling up all these thoughts and theories take a lot of energy. I took my DNA and finally I was given so much information about myself and finding just that one person that Ive dreamt off all my life. She took me back to were it all began. I landed into a history so deep, people traveling from Normandy France to find new territories in the new world. The first new settlers of Nova Scotia. I finally knew that I was Acadian. I didnt even know what that meant at the time nearly 10 months ago. I have come a long way. My journey has taken me to such an incredible and beautiful place I couldnt have ever imagined. Pubnico is a tiny community with a very rich culture and history of open and honest hard working people. I finally felt I had come home. Strange as that might sound I felt that I just fit in from day one. I felt the love and understanding from my cousins and friends. These people were total strangers and I for them, but for me it seemed as if I had just been away on a long journey and just returned home. Something I have never ever felt in my whole life. It was that much harder for me to leave after just getting to know everyone after 14 days. And since I came home I had to come to terms with my own feelings. Healing is necessary when ones world is turned upside down. Ive been on that path and doing well. I see things that Ive never been able to understand before. I understand why now. The devastation that my mom must have gone through. It was a time that we can not imagine. Only our moms know. During this incredible journey Ive come to know so many wonderful adoptees and natural moms. Ive been so fortunate to be in contact with many of the natural moms, they have opened up and taught me what Ive never known before. They have taught me that they truly miss the child that they loss so many decades ago. They have taught me what they had to go though and how they got punished for the sin of getting pregnant and there child being taken from them. In many cases without consent. I have so much empathy and sorrow for these moms. The devastation of having to live a life without. Its an unbelievable trauma that we can not imagine. One mom that I write with has opened up and described what she went through. I cried for her. The letter is a very personal one so Im just taking parts of the her story so everybody that is reading will understand what happened and how it happened and why it is so important for us adoptees to have our rights given back to us. I had to move away until I gave birth- I just left - quit my job and moved to a house in the Suburbs - all arranged by the social worker! My parents were frantic not knowing where I was. My Mother called my girlfriend demanding to know where I was. My friend told her she and her mother would come over and tell my parents what happened. My Mother went bolistic. I stayed with this family until my 8th month - I got a strep throat so the lady didnt want to catch it so she said youll have to go home.. My parents brought me home 8 months pregnant - nobody was allowed to visit -no phone calls. My parents and brother didnt even acknowledge that I was pregnant (8mths). My Mother told me to wear a huge winter coat and took me a few miles away, AT NIGHT, so I could have a walk and get a breath of fresh air! All of a sudden I got these pains - my parents took me to the hospital (where I was treated with great disdain). All the while no mention of my very obvious pregnancy or the baby. It was absolutely beyond belief how TABOO it was to be young, single & pregnant! It was like something out of the Twilight Zone I was so scared and nobody would even acknowledge I was even pregnant and about to have a baby!! During my labour I was drugged and completely out of it during the delivery. I didnt know if it was a girl or a boy and never got to see her. (Maybe that was best because if I had had the chance to see her & hold her - that would have been it - I wouldnt have let her go - there would have been a terrible scene and they probably would have had to put me in a straight jacket to get her away from me.) I had stitches and my breasts were bound with tape or elastic compression bandage to stop the milk production. My parents took me home and NOBODY said one word about the fact that I just gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby. It was a huge secret, completely TABOO and total silence! I cried my heart out and there wasnt one person to comfort me or even speak to me. I have lived in that silent hell for over 40 years until Parent Finders found my daughter - now I know it wasnt just a terrifying nightmare - it actually happened. Last year I happened to see a program of TV about Origins Canada all about this Baby Scoop Era. Since then I have been on a quest to research this unbelievably , barbaric, inhuman, unfair treatment of Mothers who were single & pregnant and had their basic Rights stripped away from them. As you can see the flood gates have been opened -I will no longer be silenced - the TRUTH has to be told and my hope is to write my Memoir exposing this horrific sham of this Baby Scoop Era! BTW - No I was never given any papers, not even given a copy of the Relinquishment form I HAD to sign! This is just one of many stories that has been shared with me. This has taught me that my mom has gone though the very same treatment. This wonderful mom could have been my mom because she is also from Montreal. Im forever grateful that she has opened up and shared what we are not to ever speak of. The silent hell. The silent hell that both natural moms and adoptees are still going through. The silent hell and lies thought a lifetime, the silent hell that our moms HAD to let us go. The silent hell of our records that continue to be sealed. For what reason? Surely not to protect us adoptees nor our moms. This past year has been such a learning year for me. Ive come to know so many natural moms from both Canada and the US. Moms that didnt want to give us up. It breaks my heart that the politicians still dont understand what they are doing to us by keeping our original birth certificates sealed. We are denied the same rights that others have by birth. Our moms did not give us up willingly. I have always wondered why my mom let me go, today I understand so much better why, she had no say so. Thats what society expected her to do. Give birth, go home, move on and forget. Well none of us have ever forgotten. We will never forget. We will continue to search for one another with or without our sealed records. I for one will not sit around and wait until these old dusty people pull their act together. They have no compassion and no will to change what they have done and still continue to do. So once again Christmas is just around the corner and once again Im taking my DNA at another company. Im setting myself once again on another journey. As another natural mom wrote to me Look at this way Jo-Ann Hatting....an amazing journey of Self-Discovery with no fear. The rocky roads that Im still roaming have taken me to heights I never dreamt of. I have roamed these roads alone, I have climbed every mountain alone, the roads have not always been easy but I have learned along the way. Ive had time to figure myself out while walking and climbing. I have come to understand sides of myself that I had left behind for many many decades. Im on this journey for a reason. Im walking these roads for a reason. The reason is to find the truth and find my family. I will continue another year. This time without fear. The rocky roads that Im roaming will take me all the way home.
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 18:54:53 +0000
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