Chiseling with Fear Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. Holy cow, Mister, one of them said after catching his breath. You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night? My family are such fools! the old man grumbled. They misspelled my name and here I have to correct it! Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween! 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if its really dead. 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody elses voice. 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone. 6. As a general rule, dont solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. 8. If youre searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that its just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out! 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, theres probably a good reason for it. Dont stop and look around. 12. Dont fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youre sure you know what youre doing. 13. If youre running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, its still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (youre in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. 17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. 18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. 19. If you find that: a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery, b. was once a church that was used for black masses, c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.20. Dont fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youre sure you know what you are doing.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 10:08:45 +0000
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