Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving IM ALRIGHT: JACK Jack Wilshere cut a relaxed figure as he slalomed through the media zone on his way out of Wembley after last nights thriller friendly against Denmark. True, he had taken a nasty blow to the foot from Liverpools Daniel Agger, and had been roundly shown up by his second-half replacement Adam Lallana, but other than physical discomfort and professional embarrassment he was basically in a good place. Im fine, he told reporters, when asked about his foot. Its a bit sore but its only a bruise. Ive had a scan already and it showed just a bruise, so Ill be alright. The Fiver learned two interesting things as a result of this brief interview, one of them quite surprising and the other a little less so. Surprisingly, even though it only hosts a handful of games each year, Wembley has its own scanner. Less surprisingly, the scanner is completely jiggered. Further investigation by Arsenals medical team has discovered a crack to a small bone in Jacks left foot, announced Arsenal in a statement released this afternoon. Jack will now require a period of approximately six weeks rehabilitation. The Fiver didnt take long to identify the problem here. An athlete would normally expect that a Computerised Tomography Scanner be used in identifying internal injuries. At Wembley, however, instead of getting a CT Scan Wilshere received an FA Scan. A CT Scanner is a scientifically cutting-edge device designed to capture precise images of the inside of the human body. An FA Scanner is designed to examine objects and, no matter how wrecked they are, announce that theyre basically fine. Earlier, Roy Hodgson had used the FA scanner to analyse Englands stuttering display against injury-ravaged Denmark. The victory was positive, Hodgson beamed. We got in so many crosses, some a hairs breath from going in or creating a chance. Thats positive. This was never an easy game. Denmark are no mugs and know how to play football. The FA Scanner also delivered clear readings on every member of the England squad – even the centre-backs. Looking at performances, you would have to be a harsh critic to say anybody played poorly or did not do their chances a bit of good, Hodgson announced. There is expected to be considerable demand for the FA Scanner, a scientific device utterly unique in its ability to examines broken things and declare them basically fine. David Cameron has declared his intention to use it to analyse the latest opinion polls, though the FA has already been approached by a consortium of oil producers who intend to use the scanner in their climatological investigations in the Antarctic. It is scheduled to return to London by May, in time to undertake a wide-scale audit of the Premier League season on behalf of David Moyes. QUOTE OF THE DAY Lots of times at Real Madrid, the players would be queuing in front of the mirror before the game while the referee waited for them in the tunnel – José Mourinho, speaking this week, clearly believes that vanity has no place on or around the football pitch. I never shave on the day of a match. I used to shave with a razor. I was always afraid of making a mistake with the blade and nicking my face – José Mourinho, speaking in September 2011, clearly used to believe that a man whose face is speckled with bloody bits of tissue has no place on or around the football pitch. FIVER LETTERS Can I be the first of 1,057 blokes down the pub to say Petition to ban Tom Cleverly?!?!?! BAN THE WHOLE RUDDY LOT MORE LIKE! before having another sup and catching sight of another bursting blood vessel in my nose out of my peripherals? – James Cane. I understand from an interview Stevie Mbe gave on the wireless that he consulted Steve Peters, a psychologist, following groin-gah. Was it really that bad? – John Raffin. I know that the Guardian has a long and honourable tradition in its spelling accuracy but its getting difficult sometimes to work out if you can tell your its from your (non-pint-lifting) elbow – David Howells (and 1,056 others). A few years ago I played in a five-a-side tournament. We scraped through the qualifying group and while waiting for the other group games to finish one bright spark suggested we all ought to practice penalties to be sure we were ready if the next game came to that. So in joyful anticipation, we honed our penalty taking prowess on a spare pitch away from the ongoing action. Sadly we never got the chance to show our mental fortitude. We lost 4-0 in the first knockout round - Dave Cross. Re: the number of Ps in Phillipa (Fivers passim). Aaargh! Hoist by my own pedantic petard! I knew that acute accent would come back to haunt me. I accept the ultimate penance - Phillipa Suárez (temporarily). • Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian. And if youve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Todays winner of our prizeless letter o the day is: James Cane. JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service for interesting people in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still arent having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you. BITS AND BOBS Hull Citys owners have stamped their feet and threatened to scream and scream and scream until their sick in their efforts to ride roughshod over 110 years of history and re-brand their club as Hull Tigers. If we were denied the chance to operate the business in the way we feel fit … then we would have no alternative but to offer the club for sale, blubbed vice-president Ehab Allam. Jose Mourinho has apparently fuelled speculation that Chelsea could make a move for AC Milan striker Mario Balotelli by making a banal statement of the obvious that has been pounced upon by hacks ravenous for anything resembling news in a friendly international week. In football you never know the future, he droned. Balotelli is with a big club at the moment but you never know the future. And Alan Pardew is expect to plead guilty to the improper conduct charge levelled by the FA and has until 6pm today to do so. Footballs governing body is expected to hand down a lengthy touchline or stadium ban, although the Fiver still thinks they should force him to wear a giant sponge hat on the touchline at all away matches. STILL WANT MORE? Apart from the heat, the spiders, the gun crime, the snakes, the evil temptresses in the skimpy bikinis, the jet-lag and the ever-present threat of hideous embarrassment, what have Englands footballers got to fear at the World Cup? We cracked the skulls of some of the Guardians finest together to find out. Without a club and emerging from two frustrating years in the wilderness, the most expensive British goalkeeper in football history is back from knack and rearing to get his career back on track. Craig Gordon talks torn patellas and more with Guardian fitbaw expert Ewan Murray. Our Football Weekly podcasters have gone so big time, their live show in Dublin next week has been moved to a bigger venue. To get a small taste of how disappointed 500 Irish people are going to be next week, download todays episode here. Oh, and if its your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO) Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our weekly World Cup email, O Fiverão; this is the latest edition, and you can sign up for it here. A CERTAINLY TEA-TIMELY EMAIL IN THE DRINKER LAST NIGHT: IM NO DOCTOR, BUT ID BET THE FARM YOUNG JACK HAS JUST BROKEN HIS FOOT Simon Burnton theguardian © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds via [ Guardian ]
Posted on: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 16:29:37 +0000
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