Confession: Im fairly certain that I am irritating to be around for too long...but I really dont know how to be anything but who I am...at the same time, I really try to be accepting and forgiving of all people, because I know, being who I am, that being an insufferable ass happens, at times...sometimes more often than others...and I know that no body really wants to suck, I dont, but I do sometimes...Sometimes I get my head up my ass and I forget about the people around me. This isnt one of my ideal states. In fact, its far from it. A good portion of my life is me feeling like Im trapped in a room, screaming to tell people how much I care...and they cant hear me...and they feel like I am someone that I am not. Fact is, I really care about people, this is the core of who I am...I hurt deeply and feel deeply for others, but I have to cut myself off from time to time, its like drinking from a fire hose...it overwhelms me...and I have to keep this in check. So I have to focus on my routines and keep my mind set on whatever my mission is, at the time. What I have a very hard time with is being aware of a lot of things around me...and this can really piss people off...its nothing intentional, but I can really only process very little at one time. Those who know me, know I will forgive anyone of anything, by default...I just cant hold a grudge, it makes no sense to me. Its like telling me to drink gasoline...No...Its harmful. And this is how I see grudges, they are toxic...and I cant hold them. Anyhow, I forget that others need more time to let things go...if ever...and being that Ive only lived in my own head, this is one of my other frustrations. I guess where there are those who are naturally hypersensitive to the happenings of all the people around them...and they think that everyone is rude or thoughtless...or uncaring...because, this is their nature...there are guys like me, on the other side, who feel that forgiveness is easy and good and healthy and doesnt get why people just let go of things and try to love one another...but, then, I totally forget about being thoughtful...this is, truly, not a natural thing for me and it takes very deliberate effort. Anyhow, Im sorry...I like being me...but being me does come at its own expense...but, again, this is all I know and I have to accept that there will be people who love me...and there will be people who hate me...but I can live with confidence that those who love me do love me...and I love them incredibly...and, those who hate me, I love just the same. Anyhow...thats whats on my mind. Thank you for putting up with me...I really do appreciate it.
Posted on: Wed, 04 Jun 2014 17:11:57 +0000
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