Continuation: The Atonement Child 342 FRANCINE RIVERS Dynah Carey. Catching himself, he drew back slightly. Id better get you in. He walked her to the door. Taking her key, he unlocked it and pushed it open for her. Ill call you in a few days. He turned away, going down the first two steps. Joe? When he turned toward her in question, Dynahs heart squeezed tight at the cool look on his face. His mind was already elsewhere. Oh, Lord, what would have become of me had you not sent this man to pull me back from destruction? Not once, but countless times. She came back out onto the front step. Putting her hand on his shoulder, she leaned toward him and kissed his cheek. Thank you. She saw she had surprised him. He looked back at her, his eyes searching hers briefly. She wondered at the bleakness that came into his expression just before he turned away. Somehow she had hurt him deeply, and she didnt know how or why. Evie heard the front door open and knew Dynah was home.Here we go, Lord. Give me your words. Dont let me tell her the news in a way to cause more pain.She smiled as Dynah came into the family room. She noticed her troubled expression. Everything all right? I dont know. Dynah unlooped her small shoulder bag and put it on the side table as she sat down. I think I hurt Joes feelings. How? Im not sure. She glanced at the television. It must be something good to keep you up this late, Granny. 343 I havent been paying much attention. Evie pressed the remote, and the television went black. Just passing time. I was waiting for you. I wanted to talk with you. Does it have to do with whatever you and Mom were discussing earlier? Yes. And Daddy? I talked with your dad a little while ago. She could see Dynah was already worrying, and was sorry for it. There was no easy way to break bad news. I have cancer, honey. She saw the shock spread across Dynahs face as her color ebbed. Her eyes filled. Oh,dear.Now, dont start crying or youll get me started. Your mom and I have done enough of that. What kind of cancer? Breast cancer, but its spread. Oh, Granny, Dynah said in a choked voice. How far? Evie just looked at her granddaughter, hesitant to go into details at this time. The cancer had gone far enough for her to know the outcome. Six months to a year, the doctor had said. Longer, God willing. Dynah got up and came to her. Sinking down onto the carpet, she rested her head in her grandmothers lap. I love you so much, she said in a choked voice. Why does life have to be so unfair? Evie stroked her hair. Ive asked myself that question a few times. Why did it have to be you in the park that night? Why me with cancer? And the answer is always the same. Why not? Im glad youll be with us. Im going home on Friday. Dynah raised her head. But how can you? Ive got a car. I can drive. You have to have chemotherapy or radiation or something, dont you? 344 If I was thirty and had children to raise, Id fight with everything I have. Im seventy-eight, honey. Im tired and set in my ways. I want to be in my own home, not among strangers in some hospital. You cant give up, Granny. Im not giving up. Im taking medication. Im following my doctors instructions. Extensive chemotherapy isnt an option. It makes no sense. Why would an old lady like me want to be sick for weeks on end in an effort to prolong my life one more year or two? But itll get worse if you dont. Its going to get worse anyway, sweetheart. Evie touched her cheek tenderly. Its the way of all flesh. I cant live forever, you know. She smiled, at peace. At least, not here. Dynah rested her head on her grandmothers lap again and wept. Youll be so far away from us. Evies eyes grew hot with tears. Thats why I want you with me. Ill need someone to help me in the months ahead and someone to take care of me down the road as the cancer runs its course. Id like it to be someone I love and who loves me. Youre asking me to watch you die? No, Im asking you to live with me. I see the months ahead as being very precious. I intend to live them to the fullest and make the best use of them I can. Her hand rested on her granddaughters head. The Lord has always had his hand upon you, Dynah, from the instant of your conception and before that. I believe he has his hand in everything thats happening right now. She patted Dynahs shoulder. Look at me, honey. When she did, Evie smoothed away the tears from her granddaugh ters cheeks. I know you have a lot of things to decide over the next few weeks, hard decisions to make. Hannah had already told her they had an appointment with an adoption agency. She 345couldnt imagine how difficult that would be. When all this is passed and behind you, youll need to get away. Youll need to be active so you wont think about whats happened every minute. She cupped her cheek tenderly. I want you to know you have a home waiting for you in Oregon. Youll have work to keep you occupied. Youll have time to heal and decide what you want to do with your life. And youll have an income so youll be independent when you do know. Ill pay you the going rate for a live-in nurse. Dynah shook her head. I wont take any money, Granny. Oh, yes, you will. Its the one condition Im attaching to this. Dont argue with your elders, Dynah. God is good. He makes provisions for those who love him. And you have loved him since you could walk and talk. She gently stroked the fine silken tendrils of blonde hair back from her granddaughters temple with a trembling hand. Let him provide for you. Several weeks after her grandmother went home, Dynah took a long walk along Ocean Avenue. Shed needed to get out of the house, away from the tension between her mother and father. They spoke no harsh words to one another, but neither did a tender one pass their lips. They moved around one another cautiously as though one brush of contact would ignite the final battle and obliterate them both. Oh, Lord, why do people retreat to their private citadels? Why do they shoot their cannons from a distance rather than sit at the peace table and speak the truth of whats in their hearts? They love each other and hurt one another with every breath they take. It was cool this morning, a light fog rolling back as the sun burned through. San Franciscos weather had improved over the past few years. Global warming. 346 As she walked down the street, Dynah thought about the baby, weighing alternatives while trying to test her feelings. Everyone assumed she was going to give the baby up for adoption. True, she had spoken with an attorney who special ized in adoptions. Vera Adams seemed sensitive to her situation. Within a week, she had several families applying to adopt the baby. Dynah had already received several letters and an album of family pictures from two, each doing their best to reassure her of the good home they could provide her child. Thebabymoved within her. Heart aching, she laid her hand over the spot, feeling the prick of tears. It shouldnt matter so much, should it? This child had been forced on her against her will. Why should she be so encumbered? Oh,Lord, bow long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? She could smell the sea and realized how far she had walked. Her mother would be worried. On the way back, Dynah thought of Joe. She wished she could talk to him again. He always had such a cool presence of mind, but he hadnt called for six days. Was he annoyed with her or just busy? She wondered what he was doing at that moment. Conducting another Bible study near the student union? Working? Classes were over, so he should have more time on his hands. Maybe he was looking for a full-time job. Craving his companionship, she had almost called him last night but decided against it. Joe was kind and tenderhearted. He had also proven himself a faithful friend. She had to remind herself that there were limits to what one could ask in the name of friendship. Joe had a life of his own, and she had intruded upon it long enough. An odd twinge gripped Dynahs abdomen. She stopped, alarmed. This was something different from the false labor she 347had endured over the past two weeks. The tightening increased until she moaned. This is it! Oh, God, this is it! Its early! Im not ready!And she was still a mile from home. Calm down!For goodness sake. Did she think the baby was going to fall out on the pavement? Not likely. She giggled, remembering some of the humorous remarks her Lamaze instructor had made over the course of weeks. She panted softly as she continued to walk at a leisurely pace. After a moment, she let out her breath. Odd that she should feel so calm now. All the waiting was over. Ready or not, here she comes! Ten minutes later, another contraction started. Dynah paused this tine,pretending interest in thegarden of one of the neighbors. Panting softly, she glanced at her watch. Like menstrual cramps, her mother had said. Not quite. Why on earth had she walked so far? Four contractions later, she reached home. She was hot and perspiring. Mom! No answer. Mommy! A note was on the kitchen counter. Panting through another contraction, Dynah picked it up with a shaking hand and read, Gone shopping. Back in two hours. Love, Mom. Dynah punched in a number and asked for Dr. Wyatt. Hes in surgery this morning, Dynah, the nurse told her. I dont expect him back until two. Im in labor, Dynah said, glancing at the kitchen clock when another contraction started. The contractions are seven minutes apart. Ill notify the hospital youre on your way. On her way? How could she get there? Shed have to take a taxi. Money. Oh, Lord. She didnt have any money. She dialed Joe and then put the telephone down on the third ring. Why did 348 FRANCINE RIVERS she always think of Joe when a crisis came? What was she going to say? Drop everything, Joe, and come drive me to the hospital? He was an hour away, and he had his own life. It was time she got on with hers. She moaned and began pacing nervously. She needed a shower. She needed to pack. She needed to calm down! As she rinsed out her hair beneath the warm spray, the portable telephone rang on the sink counter. It had stopped by the time she finished rinsing off. Shutting off the water, she opened the glass door and reached for a beach towel with bright tropical fish designs. Bath towels werent big enough anymore. The telephone rang again. Picking it up, she punched the button. Hello? Did you call me a while ago? Joe. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Thank you. Thank you!Yes. Three rings and you hang up? What gives? I wanted to talk to you and then thought better of it. Thought better of it? Dont be miffed. I just thought better of running to you with every little thing that happens. You hear me complaining? No, but... She sighed. Why didnt you pick up a minute ago? I was wet. Oh, Lord, it was starting again. Wet? In the shower, she said tersely. There was a pause. What little thing is happening? She gave a laugh. Oh, nothing much. The contraction built and intensified. Are you panting? Hang on a minute, Joe. She slapped her hand over the receiver and concentrated on her breathing.Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, oh, Lord.. 349Dynah! She heard him utter a short, foul word, and there was a thud. She paced the bathroom, puffing. After a long moment, she let her breath out and lifted the receiver. Sorry, Joe. Youre in labor, arent you? Whatre you doing home? Calm down, Joe. She giggled. She couldnt help herself. She started to laugh at the ludicrous picture of her marching back and forth in the bathroom with a fish-covered beach towel around herself. Stop laughing and get to the hospital! As soon as Mom gets home from shopping. Shopping? Why is she shopping? I think we needed groceries. She laughed again. She couldnt seem to stop. Maybe her mother was out buying baby booties and diapers. Seemed appropriate. Perfect timing. She doesnt know, does she? She giggled. Nope. He uttered a short, succinct word and hung up. Joe? She stared at the receiver and then punched his number quickly, knowing if she didnt, hed be on his way out the door. For Petes sake! One... Two... Three... Four .. Pick it up! Pick it up! Hang on. Im on my way. Im not a baby, Joe! No, youre having one! He slammed the receiver down. He didnt answer this time. Frustrated, Dynah held the portable in both hands and shook it, growling under her breath. She dressed and packed and carried her overnight case down stairs. The back door from the garage opened, and her mother came in, arms loaded with groceries. Hannah smiled. Hi, honey. Have a nice walk? She noticed the overnight case and stopped. Looking from it to Dynahs 350 FRANCINERIVERS face, her body went cold. Oh! Hurrying into the kitchen, she dumped the bags onto the counter. Two more bags to unload, and well be on our way, she said, rushing out to the car. How long ago did it start? she called back. Four hours. Four hours? Oh, Lord! How far apart now? Five minutes. Lord... Lord... Lord.. , Lord... Hannah raced past, dumping two more bags on the counter. A carton of eggs spilled out onto the floor. Oh, blast! I have to put this note on the front door for Joe, Dynah said. Hes on his way over. Unless hes been stopped for a ticket. Did you call your dad? Dynah blushed. Truth was, she hadnt even thought of calling her father. Ill do it right now. Never mind. Ill call him later. Hannah picked up the soggy carton of smashed eggs and dumped it into the sink. Here. Give me the note for Joe. You go get in the car. Dynah watched her mother darting hither and yon, clearly getting more nervous by the minute. She was always testy when she was stressed. Maybe I should drive. Very funny. You cant even fit behind the wheel. The hospital staff was ready with a wheelchair and admission papers. As she was rolled down the antiseptic corridor, the accompanying attendant asked questions and made notations on the form on her clipboard. Recent fluid and food intake? Onset of labor? Bleeding? Exposure to infectious disease? Progress and character of contractions? As soon as she was in a room, undressed and in a hospital gown, her vital signs were checked, as were her eyes, ears, nose, throat, lymph nodes, and breasts. Things are moving right along, the nurse said,glancingat her watch as another contraction started. 351 Dr. Wyatt entered the room smiling. D day, he said, coming up alongside the bed. He saw by Dynahs face that she was in the midst of a contraction. He glanced at the nurse. Four minutes apart. One minute duration. Typical. He nodded. As Dynah relaxed, he leaned down and placed his stethoscope on her abdomen, listening carefully. The babys heartbeat is strong and fast, he said with a smile. Hannah moved closer, standing guard on the opposite side of the bed while he palpated the fundus and identified the fetal presenting part. The babys head was engaged in perfect position for normal birth. He gave the nurse instructions to start an IV infusion. Youre doing fine, Dynah. When the next contraction comes, Im going to do a pelvic examination to determine cervical dilation and effacement. Try to relax. All right? Relax? Was he kidding? When it was over, Jim removed the plastic gloves and smiled down at her. Youre about halfway there. Hannah looked noticeably relieved. Jim lingered, talking with Dynah between contractions while observing her carefully. He cared about this baby with an intensity he hadnt felt since his own children were born. Over the past few months, since Dynah had come to his home in Mill Valley, he had spent every spare minute boning up on obstetrical procedures and speaking with medical colleagues to whom he had referred pregnant patients in the past. Two weeks ago, on Cynthias suggestion, he had spent a day in a birthing center. The relaxed atmosphere had been a startling contrast to this bustling hospital setting. One of the things he had notedwastheconstantreassuring and encouraging presence of the birth facilitator. He intended to play that roll for Dynah. Try to rest as much as you can, he said, patting her arm, 352 Looking across the bed, he smiled at Hannah. Youre about to become a grandmother. Hannah smiled back at him, though she felt far from happy about it. Under other circumstances, she would have rejoiced, but how could she when this child was the product of an act of violence upon her daughter? She brushed tendrils of hair back from Dynahs face. Would you like some water, honey? Im fine, Mom. Really. Fine.What an innocuous word. She saw the uncertainty. Dynah didnt know what to do. The day had come, and no decision had been made. She wanted to reassure her and tell her she didnt even have to lay eyes on the child if she didnt want. She could make sure the baby was whisked away by a nurse. The attorney could see it was given to loving parents. It could be taken care of so easily. So why this pain inside her? Why this ache in her breast? She remembered the day she had given birth to Dynah. Oh, the joy she had felt. It was indescribable. Tears pricked and she swallowed convulsively. What would Dynah think if she started to blubber all over her? Oh,God, help me get through this. Give me strength so I can give her strength. But her insides were shaking like Jell-O. How strange that her voice should sound so calm in her own ears when everything inside her was crying out loud. Pant, honey. Thats it, sweetheart. Youre doing great. She panted with her daughter as another contraction built, stronger and quicker than the last. Ride it out. Hour after hour passed as Dynah made a slow climb and then a sharper one through transition. It wont be long now, Jim said, removing another pair of plastic gloves and depositing them in the wastebasket. Dynah moaned. Have you called Daddy yet? 353Ill do it as soon as-- Call him now. I dont want to leave you. Now, Mom. Hannah saw Dynah wouldnt relax until the chore was done. She hurried down the hallway and asked to use the telephone at the nurses station. Holding the receiver, she punched in his number and gave his secretary the message. She asked if everything was all right, and Hannah gave a hasty yes. Did you get him? Dynah said when she came back in the room. He knows. Dynah looked at her, and Hannah forced a smile. She saw the sorrow creep into Dynahs eyes and was ashamed to be the cause of it. How much pain would her stubbornness cost? But there was no time now for repentance. The steel railings were being pulled up and locked as the bed was being moved from the labor room to the delivery room. Hell come, Dynah. In all fairness, she knew Doug would have been here hours ago had she told him his daughter was in labor. He might not care a whit about the baby, but he loved Dynah more than his own life. Dynah puffed soft, quick breaths as the contraction built and crested. She was making noise now, no quietly heroic ladylike silences. Tears came, along with a rising bubble of panic as the bed was wheeled into a brightly lit room. She couldnt see her mother and asked for her. Shes putting on a sterile gown, Jim said. Try to relax. I dont think I can do this As if she had any choice. Youre doing fine. Hannah heard the fear in her daughters voice and hurriedly pulled on the gown. Im right here, honey. Eight centimeters, Jim said. Itll be soon now, Dynah. 354 Not soon enough, Dynah wanted to say as another contraction came. She moved her hands very lightly over her taut abdomen, trying to relax, trying to breathe, trying to be brave. Her heart was thumping wildly. Dont push, Dynah, Jim said. Easy for him to say! Her body was doing it for her. Everyone was in masks and paper gowns, even her mother. People were talking, whether to her or one another, she didnt know or care. Soft music was playing. She wanted to ask for something loud and fast but hadnt the breath as another contraction came rolling over the last.Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... I AM THE LORD, YOUR GOD, WHO TAKES HOLD OF YOUR RIGHTHAND.DO NOT BE AFRAID. IWILLHELP YOU. I HAVE DONE THIS SO THAT PEOPLE MAY SEE AND KNOW,MAYCONSIDER AND UNDERSTAND THAT THE HAND OF THE LORD HAS DONE THIS, THAT THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL HAS CREATED THIS CHILD. Thats it, honey. Pant. Remember what you know. I AM HE, BELOVED. I AM HE WHO WILL SUSTAIN YOU. I HAVE MADE YOU, AND I WILL CARRY YOU. Its almost time, Dynah. Two nurses covered her with sterile drapes and painted her with antiseptic. Turn the lights down a little, Jim said. YOUR MAKER IS YOUR HUSBAND, THE LORD ALMIGHTY IS HIS NAME, THE HOLY ONE IS YOUR REDEEMER, THE GOD OF ALL THE EARTH. Everythings going fine, honey. Dynah looked up and saw the fear in her mothers eyes. I WILL TURN THE DARKNESS INTO LIGHT BEFORE THEM AND MAKE THE ROUGH PLACES SMOOTH. THESE ARE THE THINGS I WILL DO, BELOVED. I WILL NOT FOR 355SAKE YOU. I AM HE WHO BLOTS OUT TRANSGRESSIONS AND REMEMBERS SIN NO MORE. Dynah was perspiring and trembling. Groaning, she bore down, her hands tightening. Jim! Its OK. Were ready, he said, the table tilting slightly. Dynah looked at Jim and saw by his eyes he was smiling as he told her it was all right to push now. Not that she needed to be told. She had been waiting for this moment for months. Oh, Lord... She clenched the handholds tighter. Thats it, honey, Hannah said. Itll be over soon Dynah heard herself groaning and couldnt stop. The babys crowning, Jim said. Dont clench your teeth, Dynah. Do your breathing. Thats it. Gentle now. Let your body do the work. Dont press it. Easy, easy. Keep breathing, her mother said. One of the nurses touched her leg. Youre doing great. Why wouldnt these people shut up? She didnt need them telling her to push or not to push, to breathe and to pant. She couldnt have stopped the process if her life had depended on it. A force beyond herself was in control now. God was bringing her baby into the world with a baptism of water and blood. Her body shook with the awesome act. She felt the ring of fire and gasped in pain. Your water just broke, Dynah. Pant now, Jim said firmly. Thats it, honey. Gently now. Keep breathing. The heads coming. As the head was born, Jim cleared the babys mouth. Dynah heard the mewling cry and instinctively reached down to touch her baby. Tears burned as she caught a glimpse of her child.Oh, God... Jim placed his hand briefly over hers. Im going to rotate the 356 baby slightly. The shoulders coming now. Gentle pushes. Thats it. Easy... She let out her breath as she felt her child slip out in a wet rush. WHEN YOU PASS THROUGH THE WATERS, I WILL BE WITH YOU .... Jim gave a joyful laugh as he held the squalling child in his hands. Perfect in every detail. Exhilaration filled him. He hadnt felt this good in years. Choking up, he didnt relinquish the infant when the nurse reached out for her. He knew it was against procedure, but he held the baby girl closer to him and savored this moment. Oh, God, forgive me. How many have I helped sacrifice on altars of fear and selfishness? Sons and daughters of an entire generation. And even as his heart cried out in anguish, a feeling of forgiveness and redemption swept through him as the darkness fled before the Word of God. I HAVE MADE YOU A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST JESUS. YOU ARE BORN AGAIN THROUGH THE POWER AND LOVE OF MY BLOOD. I HAVE SET YOUR FEET UPON THE ROCK OF MY SALVATION SO THAT YOU WILL STAND. YOU WILL STAND. YOU WILL STAND. Doctor? the nurse said. Is everything all right? More than all right, he said hoarsely. You have a daughter, Dynah, Jim said gruffly and placed the infant on Dynahs abdomen. Ohhh... Dynah said, her throat closing with tenderness as she brushed her babys palm and tiny fingers clamped around her little finger. Ill take her, a nurse said, aware of the circumstances. Not yet, Jim said and looked up at Hannah. Do you want to do the honors? He nodded for another nurse to give her the scissors as he set the clamps. 357 Hannah took them without a word and cut the cord. Her hand was shaking as she handed the scissors back to the nurse and returned her full attention to her daughter holding the wailing infant close against her breast. Dynah started to cry. Her feelings were in such a muddle, and she didnt know why. She held her baby closer, distressed at the pitiful wail and trembling limbs. Her daughter turned her head and nuzzled, finding what she sought, and a piercing sense of surprise and connection gripped Dynah. Hannah saw and understood. Her own child was becoming a woman before her eyes. It had happened in the barest few seconds. A shifting, a subtle change in her demeanor. Tenderness smoothed away the shadows of pain and hours of labor. Dynah smiled at her daughter and spoke softly. Hello, little one. Welcome to the world. Hannah looked at the baby then, carefully, fully. Oh, Lord, what did I expect? That because of the circumstances of her conception, she might be some kind of monster? Shes beautiful. So perfect. Over the past three weeks, she and Dynah had spoken a number of times with the lady at the adoption service. There were families waiting for this baby, families who promised her a secure future. She shouldnt have let Dynah touch her. She shouldnt have looked at the baby herself. This is my granddaughter,Hannah thought,my own flesh and blood. Another contraction brought forth the placenta. Jim examined it carefully to be sure it was fully intact while a nurse tended Dynah. Another took the baby from her. Mom? Dynah said, her voice husky. Hannah glanced at the nurse and saw her expression. It was clearly a warning: Dont make things more difficult. With trembling fingers, Hannah combed the damp tendrils 358 of hair back from Dynahs forehead. Theyre bathing her and putting her under a warm lamp. Dynah could hear her daughter screaming.Oh, Lord, must I give her up so soon?She felt a bubble of panic and fought it down. Shes fine, honey. Theyll take good care of her, Hannah said in a choked voice, unable to look and see that they were. Washed and draped with a lightweight warm blanket, Dynah was wheeled into the corridor. You did beautifully, honey, Hannah said, walking alongside hertothe recovery room. She was unable to say more than that. Glancing back, she saw the baby bundled in a clear plastic basin heading toward the nursery. Her heart did a sick flop. Her granddaughter. You rest here. Ill be back to check on you in a few minutes, the nurse said, leaving them in a quiet, antiseptic recovery room. As the door closed behind the nurse, Dynah started to cry, deep wrenching sobs of relief mingled with grief. Oh, Mom. Did you see her? Did you see how perfect she was? Yes, honey. I did. And her heart was breaking. 359Leaning down, Hannah kissed her drowsy daughter. Im going home to get some sleep, honey. Ill be back tomorrow. Dynah was already asleep, exhausted from the hours of labor. Hannah stood a moment longer at the bedside, gazing at the blonde tendrils of hair curling against her daughters temples. She looked so young and untouched by the tragedies of life. How is it possible you gave me such a daughter, Lord? I am so undeserving. Shes brave and true, and she stood firm. God, forgive me. I tried to convince her to follow in my footsteps. I remember all those years of emptiness and separateness from you, and yet, you redeemed me. You brought me up out of the pit. And you gave me this atonement child. I was like Rachel of old, mourning for my child, refusing to be consoled because my baby was no more. And then I returned to you, and you said to me, Cease your cries of mourning. Wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward. There is a hope for your future. And now youve shown me, Father. Thanks be to you, Jesus, Dynah followed you and not me. She took Dynahs limp hand and studied the slender fingers and short clipped nails, remembering how hergranddaughterhad clasped one and clung before being taken away. Her throat closed tight. 360 Oh, Lord, Lord, whatever you say, Ill do it. Whatever. Only tell me soon. Please. Though it was past eleven, the lights in the corridor outside Dynahs room were fully on. A nurse passed by and smiled. Two others were at the nurses station discussing a chart. Hannah hesitated, standing in the cross of two intersecting corridors.One last look, Lord. Just one last look... She hadnt expected to find Doug standing at the nursery window, but there he was, staring in, one hand against the glass. Sensing someone staring at him, he turned his head and saw her. Lowering his hand, he stepped back slightly. As Hannah came closer, she saw a nurse had brought the baby over so he could get a good look at her. She looked up at him and then back at her granddaughter being carried back to the clear plastic bed. She was afraid to look at Doug again, afraid what she would see in his eyes, afraid he would see the anguish in her own. Dynah? he said gruffly. Sleeping. How is she? Fine. She swallowed convulsively and let out her breath softly, regaining control of her emotions. When did you get here? A little past five. She shut her eyes, ashamed. He had arrived before the baby was born and had waited hours for word from her. She had cut him out deliberately, punishing him for past hurts. She bit her lip, waiting for his accusation and retaliation. He was silent, pensive. She remembered his telling her she viewed life as a half- empty cup rather than one half full, and she knew he was right. She had built her life on that habit and brought pain on herself and others for her unrelenting selfcenteredness. God, forgive me. 361Howd she do? he said quietly,notlooking at her, his eyes still fixed on the baby. Beautifully. Im not surprised. She waited for him to ask why she hadnt called him before leaving the house for the hospital. He didnt. He didnt ask her anything. He didnt accuse. He didnt berate. She had cut him out of the second most important event in their lives, the birth of their granddaughter, and he said nothing of the hurt he must feel. Joe kept me company, he said. Hell come back and see her tomorrow. Joe. Ever faithful Joe. Thats nice. They stood in silence, both hurting, staring in through the glass at the sleeping baby in bin #7 withCareyprinted in clear black letters. I remember the day our daughter was born like it was yesterday, Doug said finally. She looks just like Dynah. Hannah heard the tears in his voice and understood perfectly. Hadnt she been afraid? Hadnt she expected the worst? Odd that it had never occurred even to her that despite all circum stances God had brought this child into being. God had created her. How could she be anything less than wonderful? Sing, 0 heavens, for the Lord has done this wondrous thing. And she knew as well what God wanted of her. It was no less than what she wanted for herself. Restoration. She surrendered. Simply. Completely. And as she did, all the tension went from her with a soft sigh. She could breathe again and inhale the fresh air of Gods sweet grace. All the years she had struggled and fought to attain peace for herself, and it came as a free gift with her obedience. Filled to overflowing with love, Hannah slipped her hand into Dougs and wove her fingers with his. Lets go home. 362RIVERS His fingers tightened around hers, telling her more than words ever could. Dynah awakened feeling empty and alone. The other bed was empty, the patient having been discharged shortly after Dynah arrived. Youre lucky to have a room to yourself, the nurse had said as she put Dynahs dinner on the rolling tray. Youll be able to sleep. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she saw it was two-thirty in the morning. A crack of light shone beneath her doorway. Someone was talking in the corridor. She needed to use the bathroom. Rather than ring for a nurse, she pushed the covers back and eased her legs over the side. She sat for a moment waiting for the light-headedness to pass. The last thing she wanted to do was faint on the floor and bring everyone running. Rather than return to bed, she pulled on the robe her mother had left out for her and sat in the chair near the windows. She let out her breath slowly, surrendering the ache in her heart. Abba Father, surely this suffering has been for my benefit. Youve kept me in your love, and I am not destroyed. Her eyes pricked with tears. Your will be done.
Posted on: Sun, 20 Oct 2013 22:21:51 +0000
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