Daddy Diaries OK, first I had to pick up my daughter late last night from a friends house, then I had to get up an hour-and-a-half early this morning to get her ready for her Junior Naval Battalion drills this morning. Nobody told me that this parenting thing was going to be cutting into my sleep. Seriously, the government spends trillions of dollars and not one Public Service Announcement? Having a 12-year-old is like having a little tornado in the house that knows how to turn on lights, but how to turn them off. I can tell when she has recently been in a room because of the papers the are fluttering to the floor, like autumn leaves. And the language they speak is not the English that I know and love. For example, Honey, have you done your laundry? Are all of your school clothes washed and put away. The perfunctory, yes could have several divergent and unrelated meanings. It could mean, Yes, they are clean and put away properly. I call this, The Queens English definition. It is the meaning that most parents hope for. It is also the most unlikely meaning. It could mean, Well, I gathered up all of my laundry and took it to the laundry room. Not quite the Queens English but at least the yes would be associated with some type of effort. Then, of course, her answer could mean, Well, I went upstairs to my room to get my laundry, and I just forgot. I call this answer, Squirrel! In the cartoon movie Up! the talking dog is speaking with someone, he sees a squirrel, and completely forgets what he was saying and doing. This is a much more likely definition of yes. But, silly parent, still not the most probable one. No, with my daughter, Honey, have you done your laundry? the answer, Yes most likely means, Im watching cartoons and you are interrupting. You know that movie scene where you tear off a guys arm and start beating him with it, just to snap out of it and realize, it was just a dream, or mental detour? I seem to have that dream a lot these days. Then, after years of helping my daughter with her homework and reading with her every night, and correcting her math, you realize that she has just made honor roll. Im ecstatic, expecting the city to throw me a parade. My daughter? shrugs her shoulders with a disinterested Huh. For those of you who do not speak 12-year-old, that huh most likely meant, dont expect this every semester, Dad. My God, she is only twelve and she is already stealing my socks! Also, I know that I am washing my T-shirts; I fold them; I put them away. But whenever I go for one in the closet, theyre gone. In 12-year-old-logic, this mystery is easily explained: If she wears my T-shirts as pajamas, she has an unending supply of night-clothes, but since they are my shirts Im the one who has to wash and fold them. Seriously, I am thinking of doing a series of Public Service Announcements... I wonder if I could get Steven Spielberg to direct?
Posted on: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 13:50:03 +0000