Dating and romantic involvement are such tiresome activities which seem to produce very little positive effect for an uncomfortably large portion of society. I, and most of the people I know, are more often discontented with our romantic situation than with any other aspect of our lives. Im quite pleased with the rest of my life and romantic entanglement, or lack thereof, seems to be the only thing which negatively influences my quality of life. This realization has inspired much thought over the last several years with certain resulting conclusions. As a precursor to these conclusions allow me to first make a confession. Many of you dont know this yet but since its about to be revealed in the book Im writing it seems silly not to be forthcoming. I rank highly on the sociopathic scale. Many of the tests Ive taken have results ranging somewhere between a 75%-85% manifestation of traits linked to sociopathy and strongly suggest seeking professional diagnosis. There are also many indicators that I am narcissistic, histrionic, and anti-social. Many of the questions on these tests which I answer contrary to sociopathic tendencies are based more on hard-earned self awareness and self control than natural tendency, which leads me to believe that the percentage, based on natural inclination, may actually be even higher. I am not a serial killer, nor do I have any violent tendencies. I have an incredibly stringent code of ethics which is the result of many years of seeing the destruction I am capable of causing. My goals in life are specifically calculated to be of service to others and help them along the path to enlightenment and progress. My faith provides me with a very efficient moral compass as well as beliefs and understanding which prevent me from acting on many of the destructive natural inclinations I have. I am a very high functioning sociopath and a productive member of society, but Im realizing slowly that there are some aspects of my sociopathy which I have no desire to control or counteract. For years I have considered myself as having difficulty with emotional processing, but I am beginning to think that it isnt the processing which is difficult but the act of feeling at all. As I consider my past and the process of recovery I have gone through the emotional trauma plays a very small part in my past difficulties. The bigger factor which has caused issues for me is learned behavior. In retrospect, my inability to forgive my parents for so long was more the result of irritation that their example actually taught me to embrace my natural negative tendencies rather than to control them; the fact that I gained almost no practical or interpersonal life skills from them; and that on a logical level I can see how many of their actions were not appropriate for parental figures. Emotions dont play much of a part at all. My therapist when I was 15 was the first person to point out this emotional disconnect but looking back I think she was wrong about one thing. Her belief was that I had stifled the emotions as a coping mechanism to emotionally survive my childhood. Looking at the evidence I now believe that the disconnect was actually from a lack of emotional response. Of course, the question then becomes whether or not there are negative side effects from this lack of emotion and I dont believe there are, at least not anymore. I have been able to hone my objectivity and learn how to be rational and self-aware in all situations and as I grow older I am also increasingly more adept at impulse and behavioral control. I lack the ability to truly empathize and my own feelings are superficial but I have a strong logical understanding and a vast psychological knowledge base which does help me to control my detrimental social tendencies and to act in ways which are beneficial to others. If anything, I can handle interpersonal relationships better than most people because I am not controlled by my emotions and with my code of ethics Im also very capable of controlling my selfishness. I now know that most of my misery over the years has been the direct result of trying to force myself to feel and being bothered by the fact that I was incapable of doing so with depth. I do have emotions but they are ultimately very superficial and easy for me to shut down when I want to. I have, over the years, highly exaggerated the depth of feeling I have in an attempt to convince myself that I could actually feel that degree of depth and also to make myself fit more neatly into societal expectations. Often, I exaggerated too much which lead to a lot of situations which were detrimental to myself and to others, like exaggerating the depth of my romantic feelings for someone only to later leave them abruptly, and without genuine internal remorse, when I realized I felt nothing for them. What I felt bad about was the fact that I didnt feel bad. As I grow older and understand myself better I am realizing that my sociopathic tendencies are increasing along with my ability to use them advantageously to improve my quality of life and my impact on others. I have been slowly losing my desire for social conformity and like other sociopaths I am increasingly more comfortable with my social deviance. This brings me back to the topic of love. Since the most recent rejection I have closely examined the romantic events of my life, including my obsessive crushes during my adolescence, to the marriages and relationships I walked out on, to the past three rejections. If Im honest with myself I am most pleased and contented with the state of my life when I am between relationships and not mourning the loss of someone. What I gain from love(which is something that Im not sure if I have actually felt to the degree others are capable) is euphoria. I dont know what happiness feels like. Ive tried to be happy. Ive tried to understand it. I dont think Ive ever actually felt it in the sense other people do. Its fleeting, which is often the case with most people, but for me its also incredibly superficial. Euphoria is one of the only strong feelings I am capable of. Like most other sociopaths I get a high from any emotion or sensation that is capable of breaking through the barrier of numbness that is my status quo. My responses to romantic involvement are on par with the high an addict feels. Like other sociopaths I am sensation and thrill seeking. This is part of why I have been incapable of long term commitment; sooner or later I am not able to get high with the same person. While in a state of euphoria I often isolate myself from people and activities which are not able to provoke as strong a response from me, and I am more prone to making reckless decisions which I feel will prolong the high. This, obviously, has negative consequences. If Im honest I am more productive, inspired, and motivated while outside of a relationship than in one. When a relationships ends before Im ready for it to I dont crash like a lot of people do. I may seem like it but judging from the conversations Ive had with people I dont feel heartache to the wrenching degree others do. What I feel is discomfort, strong discomfort, which other people would think was superficial if they were actually able to feel it having the basis of comparison of a normal emotional spectrum. The reason why rejection bothers me as much as it does is because I have a very low tolerance for negative emotions since I feel them so rarely. I think this is why these rejections have no influence on my self-esteem. Im not truly injured, just uncomfortable and resent the loss of the high, and sometimes what I perceive to be a good match. I conclude that I gain little from romantic involvement and that the negative side effects are inconvenient and troublesome. I also realize that a big part of the reason I want a relationship is because society and my faith have trained me to want one. My objectives are shifting. Rather than having the goal of finding a mate I am starting to think that the better goal would be to strive to not feel a need for one. I am not entirely closing myself down from the idea of having one, but it would have to be a very particular person to be in the sort of relationship with me that could actually work. I can be loyal. I can feel real legitimate love. I like the idea of companionship and intimacy. But I also need moderation and control. I need a great deal of personal space and time. I dont foresee myself ever being able to successfully live with someone. Id need a relationship strongly based on compatibility and logic. And ultimately, I would need to be with another high functioning sociopath. If these requirements cannot be met I see no reason to be in a relationship when I can find greater contentment with my life outside of one. The spiders are back. Ive seen them everywhere the last three days. This tells me that, like them I should be weaving my web of life carefully and effectively. My decisions should be calculated for success instead of controlled by societal conformity and a desire for euphoria. I firmly believe that my higher power is telling me that I am finally on the right track.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 00:21:18 +0000
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