Day 10 - Its time to change my focus. I still feel solid and hopeful about my kids. That will never change. Last night for the first time in at least 9 months they called me on their week with their dad. He doesnt encourage it and my calls arent answered or returned. It was such a blessing to talk to them unexpectedly. They called because they missed me. Past that I am focusing as much as possible for at least the next few days on me and then I do my balancing act and the cycle continues. I am going to focus on my intentions. What I want, putting the past behind me, focusing, meditating, journaling about the life I see ahead of me and my day to day feelings and journey. What causes my stress, my pain, my emotional struggles. I am going to keep track of what I eat, feel, do, etc. I am looking forward towards a retreat like no other and its 7 months away but Im hoping to have some time to heal my body going in to this weekend and come out of their a different person. I have one vacation planned in December to go sit on a beach in Mexico. This is for me. My idea, my want, my needs. I need to do nothing. Sit in the sun, read, relax, share time with the person I love and essentially do nothing. I have never done this. Every vacation is filled with something. I will get on a plane, take a cab, go to a very nice hotel, kid free because as much as I love my kids, I need peace. My kids are very well behaved, that is not always the case and I also know that I will miss them and being reminded daily of their absence is not beneficial for me. This trip is for myself and for Ed. Its about our relationship and something that we need together. I am doing this as a healing process as well. I have this in mind with a retreat in April and my ultimate goal is to be an able bodied person with enough energy to take my kids on a summer vacation where I am back to the mom they remember. The one who could play on the beach and have fun. My ultimate goal is to fix me, my secondary goal is to use my vacation for a trip somewhere warm, fun as well as relaxing next summer as a family. I have goals. I have things I want to do and Ive spend two years putting my wishes, goals, happiness on hold as I get bombarded with every thing imaginable in terms of bad news. Im utilizing the power of positive thoughts to create more positive things to come in to my life. Today, as much as possible and through pain, exhaustion etc. I am reaching out to friends that were lost, letting go of those that I no longer need and finding myself and becoming aware of all that is waiting for me.... And as a result I am exhausted. Its been a long short week and I need sleep and I am grateful for a weekend of rest. I wish I felt good and had more free days as I wish I could be in Denver tomorrow and this weekend to go to the metaphysical fair, but one of these days I will have the time and energy and I will be able to go and share in this time with two of my favorite people in the world.... I am blessed, grateful and full of love today
Posted on: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 01:40:48 +0000
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