Day 10: these are some of the items no longer a part of my life, and some of the spaces Im working to reclaim. I need to find a new collection of words to mean thankful and appreciate because those arent strong enough for my team. Yesterday Gillian Manford, Richard Laviolette, Lea Pihlaja and Lindsay Roe came over. Between 11 am and 7:30pm we purged books, movies, toys, and furniture. And garbage. Lindsay cleaned my bathroom. Lea sorted out and carefully stored all of my clothing. Gillian and Richard helped convince me to let go of things. It was so much work, I cant believe that people can find it in themselves to offer the time and labour to help save someone elses disaster. I feel so displaced, Im sitting on the floor because I no longer have furniture, and if I didnt have a team of people looking out for me I would be totally lost. I dont know how anyone has ever gotten through a process like this on their own. I came home this morning to look in the dumpster, and I thought Id feel pride at the massiveness of the purge, but instead I just started crying. I have surrounded myself with objects, with so many things to build a nest to be my home. And now, at my most vulnerable, while I try to shed this awful aspect of my life and build a new and healthy one Im losing everything I associate with having a home. Im building new emptiness. I have to learn how to look at empty spaces and convince myself that the absence of what used to be there is a good thing. But Im not currently wired that way. When I have a team around me, who have all grown to be strong enough to see a bigger picture and push me through this I get strong for them, I agree with them and I get angry at the curse of having so many things, I dont just throw things in the dumpster I YELL at my things, I swear at them and yell into the empty room. Then the next day when I come back here by myself I slide back into this weird head space where Im looking for things that arent there. Im a wreck. I want to comfort myself by crawling in to my nest, to lay in my bed with too much bedding and forget about everything else for awhile. I dont want to need things as much as I feel like I do right now. I dont even totally feel comfortable with how much I need people when Im like this. I want to build myself into an independent and strong willed person who can be their own team and fight against these crutches that come between me and the happiness of my family. I need to build myself into that. But for now I just want to go back to a friends house and turn my back on this. Good day yesterday, rough moment today I guess. I should remind myself to post these updates right after the day of hard work and the fun of a night of karaoke. I want to inspire other people to tackle these issues they struggle with too, but on days like these its hard to feel very triumphant. For anyone reading who is facing this: please trust me that yesterday was huge, and that I will remember that tomorrow. Even despite my emotions I know Im on a better track. I feel lost for you right now, but when we battle this there is no way we wont feel better at the end.
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 17:36:25 +0000
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