Dear Bossip: I Put Off His Proposal Becasue I Feel We’re Not Ready & Now My Family Is Attacking Him Dear Bossip, I have been in a relationship with my man for 13 years. He is my first love and means the absolute world to me. He is my childhood best friend and we been dating since high school. My family loves him, but lately they have been mean and disrespectful when it comes to the status of our relationship. About 3 years ago, he asked me to marry him. I told him that we were not ready for that step. He has recently found a job where he can finally use his degree and start his career. As for me, I am still continuing my education. When I get married I want to be living in a house that is paid for and I want to be able to have children ASAP. My man understands and agreed with waiting a little longer. My family, on the other hand, thinks he is the reason why I am not married and pregnant. During Thanksgiving, my relationship was the topic of the whole dinner. After all this time of them loving him, they are now thinking I am settling and I need to move on. They don’t believe me when I say it is my decision. I see no rush in us getting married especially since there are no kids involved. My man is now starting to feel angry and annoyed, especially with the questions and disrespect coming left and right from my family. My sisters are the ones throwing the most shade at him. Once they invited me out for lunch and instead of them showing up, they set me up on a date. I was beyond furious and left as soon as the man told me what was going on. A few days ago my sisters and cousins started saying petty things and sort of bullying him. We got into an argument and I told them they had to leave my place because of their behavior. The next day I was scolded by my parents for kicking them out even when I told them what happened. My man hates it and is demanding I stand up more for him, myself, and our relationship. I have tried talking to my family but they have not been listening or realizing how this is hurting more than they think it is helping me. Though, I truly appreciate my family and everything they do for me, how do I get them to back off without ruining my relationship with them or my man? How can I finally have my man and my family in the same room without any tension? – Between My Family And My Man Dear Ms. Between My Family And My Man, If they are bullying him, then, they are also bullying you. They are tag-teaming and beating up on the both of you, and it’s time you put a stop to it. Immediately! If you will not stop allowing your family to come in between you and your man, then you are going to lose him for good. Now, on another note…WTH!!!! I mean, it’s been 13 years and your still boyfriend and girlfriend? Chile, I know your family is probably like, “Damn, what’s going on? Who the hell lays up with a man that long and you are not married, with no kids? Why is your relationship stagnant?” I’m sure that’s what they are thinking, and they are thinking it’s because of him and his failure to take it to the next level. So, why are they drawing these conclusions? What is it about your history with him that they feel you are settling? Obviously you are feeding them information and details about your relationship. Therefore, the treatment, and intervening of your family is a result of what you’ve shared, or what they’ve witnessed. You can’t tame and undo the beast that you’ve fed, but you can certainly starve it, and stop feeding it! Now, to be fair, you did mention that the reason you are not married with kids is because you want a house that is already paid for, and that you want to start having kids right away. Well, I get that, but if he asked you to marry him three years ago, and you claim you weren’t ready, then, what makes you think you will be ready when the house is paid for? How long does he have to sit around and wait for this to happen? Paying off a house is no easy feat, especially not in this economy. Why are you really putting off the marriage? Why are you holding out? Do you think you can do better? You say you’re not ready, then what has he done, or what is it you are waiting for? Ma’am, you can wait until the high heavens and until you think things are perfect before you get married, and you know what, they will never be perfect. So, are you getting cold feet, or are you doubting the seriousness of your relationship? Something is going on, and I don’t think it has anything to do with having a house that is paid for. That doesn’t make a lot of sense for your reasoning to hold out on getting married, especially if he asked you three years ago. Now, it does sound like you are headstrong, sort of demanding, probably spoiled, and things have to go your way. That’s just the tone of the letter I am sensing. You are combative with your family members. They are too involved in your relationship and dictating what they think should be going on. You refused a marriage proposal. And, you tell your boyfriend when and how the marriage will go down. Ultimately, this is bringing the rift between you and him. And, it sounds like someone is passive aggressive to me. What’s going down is a few things: 1.) Your family is too involved in your personal life, and relationship. Tell them to back it up and stay out of your relationship. Your relationship is not up for discussion, dinner conversation, or their personal opinions. You have to grow up and be a grown woman and stand on your own against their bullying tactics. Stop allowing them the ability to say whatever they want about your relationship, and especially about him. As long as you keep entertaining them, then they will keep interfering. 2.) You are taking this drama home to your man. He doesn’t feel validated or important in your life. You put off his marriage proposal, and, then you don’t stand up for him when your family attacks him. Ultimately, he probably doesn’t feel that he matters, or that you love him. Thus, he is going above and beyond to appease you, but, you keep throwing up new rules, new obstacles, and new provisions in order to take your relationship to the next level. At some point you’re going to have to make him feel as if you and he are a team, that you’re one, and that he is your number one. If you don’t, then, he will get tired of waiting on you, and he will leave you. 3.) Get into pre-marital counseling. This will help you discover what you’re putting off, why you are putting it off, and how you and your boyfriend can work together to build a successful marriage in spite of your family’s interference. You and boyfriend have to become a solid force. But, it requires you being willing to be a part of this united front. In the counseling you will get to the root of your hesitations, and pre-marital jitters that is preventing you from walking down the aisle. Sit down and write a list of pros and cons of getting married. What are you excited for, and what are you looking forward to in getting married? What is it about him that makes you yearn for him, and in building a future with him? What makes you smile, and makes your heart leap with joy as you think of having a family with him, and growing old together? Now, what makes you scared about marriage? What are you afraid of, and why do you think it frightens you? What has he done, or not done to give you second thoughts about getting married? What is it about you that you feel that you’re not ready? In the meantime, end this beef between you, your family, and your man. Get them out of your relationship! Put your foot down, let them know that this ends today, and that you and he are not going to put up with it anymore. You appreciate their concern, but the matter has nothing to do with them. They have to stop talking greasy about him, otherwise, he will continue to feel invalidated, and unloved by you. And, a man who doesn’t feel validated or loved by his woman will find another woman who will make him feel empowered, and like a man. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! j.mp/1fKXu4Q terrancedean
Posted on: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 15:12:32 +0000
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