Dear Carhartt Twill Work Pants, Im pretty excited about getting you on board with The Plan. What is The Plan? you might say. Well, it goes like this: I took a look at some receipts and, in the past 4.5 years I have spent $467 on pants for work. Ive spent $98 on belts. Ive spent $250 on shoes. I also had to drop $30 on a leather wrist band to hide a bracelet, which was just preposterous, because I was never in sight of the clients. Well. From the knees up, anyway. Probably because I was too busy being eyeball-deep in stomp-kicking problems in the balls by crawling around in the ceilings of public schools. Which was fun. Youll be surprised to know that, yes, high school kids will scale a gym wall (call it 25ft) to stow a bag of terribly low-quality marijuana in an air intake. Youll also be pleased to know that I did not remove it, nor did I report it. I just moved it to make them paranoid and question their intelligence. (It worked. They were sweating bullets the next day, especially when I seemingly multiplied their cache with little baggies of dried parsley and sage.) But the bottom line is this: Ive yet to really land some cushy affair where I make any tangible amount of money. And no matter what happens, I always seem to be that guy thats crawling around under buildings, in attics, unloading and loading trucks, and that seems to take its toll on the clothing that my employers deem appropriate. This is where you come in, Carhartt. To date only the following clothing articles have really been able to stand up to the abuse I can throw down: Reebok crosstrainers, a Soviet surplus leather belt (complete with amaziballs solid brass USSR buckle featuring the hammer and sickle), and a pair of Duluth firehose canvas pants (in the wrong color for this job). You need to harden up and match the standards these articles have set. To beat the shoes, you need to make it 1.5 years. To beat the pants, you need to go 2.5. To beat the belt, you would need to travel back in time a whopping 8 years and then handle me through the last year of high school and all sorts of rough situations since then (including one time when I used said belt to steady a scissor lift). Harden up, Carhartt. Your test begins Wednesday. Sincerely, Your soon to be owner and tormentor.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 03:45:44 +0000
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