Dear Co-Worker, Enough. As I look at the calendar today, I am reminded that it is currently November 6th. Almost one full week after Halloween – and yet, somehow you feel it necessary to continue to offload bushels of Halloween candy in the office. Of course, we all understood when you brought in a small bag of Crunch bars on Monday. We thanked you politely when you dumped a bucket of Butterfingers in the lunchroom on Tuesday - and through our teeth we smiled and nodded politely on Wednesday as you dropped off enough M&M’s in the lobby to keep a Justin Bieber concert on a sugar high for days. But enough is enough. Today’s onslaught of Skittles, Milky Ways and Almond Joys has crossed the line. Even Honey Boo Boo would have a stomach ache by now. (On a side note, as a proper gay, I must appreciate that you stepped up your distribution game today. Instead of what looked a pile of treats dumped on a bedroom floor by a 6 year old dressed like Merida from Brave you upped your game and displayed them in a 4 gallon wicker basket.) I’m naturally assuming that there are three possible reasons why you insist on bringing in this daily bite sized diabetes. 1. You are oblivious to the fact that you clearly live in a ghetto part of town or in a horrible apartment complex, reminiscent of the Shinning, and you thought that by some grace of God you were going to get an army of Trick or Treaters knocking on your door last Friday because you live in a palace in Disneyland. 2. You did not buy this candy for Halloween at all. Rather, you have stopped at your local Walgreens every night and think that somehow you can buy the love of your co-workers by fattening us up with 70% off Bit O Honey. Newsflash… I’ll eat your candy… but let’s be honest, your licorice offering isn’t going to get me to accept your FaceBook friend request. 3. Your spouse, significant other or live in f**k buddy has started to notice you sitting in the corner with mini Snicker bars as if you were Gollum from the Lord of the Rings looking at his precious and has given you an ultimatum to either ditch the rest of the candy in the house or throw a hoodie over your expanding muffing top and get out. No matter what the reason. Enough…. Seriously… Enough. ProTip: If you really want to “amaze” people with your ‘candy generosity’ do what every evil-snotty-bratty little sister in America does and HIDE that candy until mid-January - THEN pull it out to share… (or taunt) people with. #merica #dibeetus Sincerely, Dug
Posted on: Fri, 07 Nov 2014 00:16:44 +0000
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