Dear Friends, Family & Clients October 23, 2013 Ive found that the biggest energy drain on my clients is relationships. Some relationships are positive and mood elevating. Others can suck optimism and serenity right out of you. I call these draining people emotional vampires. They do more than drain your physical energy. The malignant ones can make you believe youre unworthy and unlovable. Others inflict damage with smaller digs to make you feel bad about yourself. For instance, Dear, I see youve put on a few pounds or Youre overly sensitive! Suddenly theyve thrown you off-center by prodding areas of shaky self-worth. To protect your energy its important to combat draining people. The following strategies will help you identify and combat emotional vampires from an empowered place. Signs That Youve Encountered an Emotional Vampire Your eyelids are heavy - youre ready for a nap Your mood takes a nosedive You want to binge on carbs or comfort foods You feel anxious, depressed or negative You feel put down Types of Emotional Vampires The Narcissist Their motto is Me first. Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. Theyre dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you dont do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold. How to Protect Yourself: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though its better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works. The Victim These vampires grate on you with their poor-me attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, Yes, but... You might end up screening your calls or purposely avoid them. As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you. How to Protect Yourself: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions. With a coworker sympathize by saying, Ill keep having good thoughts for things to work out. Then say, I hope you understand, but Im on deadline and must return to work. Then use this isnt a good time body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits. The Controller These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how youre supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. Theyll control you by invalidating your emotions if they dont fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with You know what you need? and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down. How to Protect Yourself: The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but dont tell them what to do. You can say, I value your advice but really need to work through this myself. Be confident but dont play the victim. The Constant Talker These people arent interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close theyre practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer. How to Protect Yourself: These people dont respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom. A much more constructive tactic than, Keep quiet, youre driving me crazy! If this is a family member, politely say, Id love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation. If you say this neutrally, it can be heard better. The Drama Queen These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen doesnt get mileage out of equanimity. Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. To improve your relationships and increase your energy level, I suggest taking an inventory of people who give you energy and those that drain you. Try to spend time with the loving, nurturing people, and learn to set limits with those who drain you. This will enhance the quality of your life. Judy Tucker, Alternative Health Care Practitioner
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 14:42:15 +0000
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