Dear Germany, I have been inside of you for 6 days now and I am baffled by the lack of logic being applied in what I always considered a smart and efficient country. A few observations I feel quite strongly about during my time here so far are: Toilets. I am genuinely gobsmacked as to how you can get toilets wrong? Not only is it a simple concept, but it is also one that everywhere else executes perfectly, as well as being something humans have used since forever. If you Google “German toilet” you will see what I mean - instead of having a water-filled hole in the middle for you to curl out your excrement into, there is a flat shelf. This causes the following problems: 1) Lack of water for your fecal beast to hide in leaves the stench flowing freely around the room for a long, long time. 2) It just sits there, staring back at you. I really do not want to look at it. 3) It can pile up. Lay a big enough steamer and there’s not going to be enough room between it and yourself for more, or your man bits. Disaster. Bins. A bin is a container with a hole in the top. This is a proven formula for a waste disposal unit. Every indoor bin I have witnessed so far requires the user to put their waste on a shelf in a trolley. When the trolley is full of shelves covered in rubbish, the rubbish is taken off the shelves and disposed of. It’s hard to explain, but it’s retarded. Trust me, I am a master of retarded. Where the hell is the chicken??? After visiting pretty much every supermarket in the city of Köln, I have still not found one that sells chicken. The fast food restaurants also fail to acknowledge the existence of chicken. Knowing there is none around has made me crave it like never before. Everywhere you go there is ham and salami and various crazy sausages with names that sound like metal bands, but I want to delete chicken… all of the chicken. Beer is absolutely wonderful here. It tastes like absolute heaven. It’s only €1.40 per glass which seems great, until they bring your glass to you; it is 200ml. Everywhere serves the same 200ml glasses. There are a few reasons, such as the beer not sitting out going warm and flat, but it’s buggering annoying. Also waiters walk around with trays full of these beers ready to swoop in and replace your beer when you finish without you asking, so you must either tell them to stop it, or put a beer matt on top of your glass, otherwise you could blow all your VHS money on beer. Also Burger King serves beer. Oh and beer is sold in 1 litre cans in shops. Those things rock. People keep staring at me. Yes, I realise I have a big nose, tiny close-together eyes and Rod Stewart’s hair, but those German stares make me feel as if I am about to get beaten up or molested. Or both. Am I doing something wrong? I’d like to think it’s down to my striking handsomeness, but that’s present back home and people don’t stare at me there. There is an ice hockey stadium opposite the flat, where massive super raves take place most night, with the odd Köln Sharks ice hockey match also being played. I think this is awesome, until about two hours before the match when thirteen year olds litter the streets absolutely wankered and buying all of the beer in sight. Considering this journey was a decision made by a hungover me watching German football highlights and finding out football was really cheap, it has turned out fairly well. This country tops England in my books, but they are making some amateur mistakes with simple things like toilets. Maybe it’s because the whole world has been laughing at them for an incredibly long time, so they don’t want to admit other countries have got things right? Who knows.
Posted on: Mon, 04 Nov 2013 17:23:03 +0000
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