Dear Self: I dont have a notebook, paper, pencil, pen or anything to write these private thoughts that I should just keep to myself, and I dont have any desire to just keep it mum, and not say anything at all, like I should so...waste your time if you want to read this crap...(sick of myself, and dont even want to hear my own whining anymore, so I can only imagine what others must think. How do I have any friends left?) I feel that I want to escape, but Ive got nowhere to go and no way to get there if there was anywhere for me to escape to (Its my own damn fault though. I know.). More than that though, Ive become so numb (apathy), that in this moment I just want to...well, I want to nothing, thats what. Just lay here in my four-walled world and slowly deteriorate (let the worms come). I wish I could be one of those positive people, but dont know how to be anything other than this thing Ive become (...want to change my clothes, my hair, my face!)!!!! Want to think again, to live again, to be again, but I just...I just do nothing, and so Ive become nothing. And Negativity is a disease -- once it gets inside of you, it spreads like cancer, consuming everything. And theres no chemo for this shit. Dont hang with negative people like me. F*ck! Save yourself! Sometimes I want to believe in the God of Jesus, or one of the many Hindu gods, the god Ra, Jah, or any other religions God -- and find that peace so many feel when they believe with such unflappable, and many times lifelong, conviction. My God is in some ways a harsh, pragmatic God though, and will not let me off the hook so easy, shouting: YOU MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE! I WILL NOT ABSOLVE YOU! I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOUR SINS (YOU MUST LIVE WITH WHAT YOUVE DONE OR NOT DONE, AND CHOOSE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF IF YOU ARE ABLE)! I GIVE YOU THE CHOICE TO MAP OUT YOUR OWN LANDSCAPE, AND YOU SIR HAVE DONE VERY LITTLE TO BETTER YOUR SITUATION. BLAME YOURSELF! NOT ME OR MY DESIGN, AS IT IS WITHOUT FLAW CHUMP! And my answer is: True stuff God, but the worms have already done too much damage -- my ship is sinking, and where Im headed, there is no bottom. Can you here that microscopic violin playing my song? Why would anyone listen to this sugar coated shit I write God? I pray that you never forgive me, that you let me die, that you judge me just as harshly as I have others -- never to be thought of or heard from again. Better yet, let me burn in hell for all eternity (yes I did just say that), or just take away my pitiful existence entirely, and make it so I was never born. Honestly though, I feel like I knew myself once upon a time, but this intruder -- this parasite that was once just leach inside of me -- is what Ive become. Please God! Please! Let them delete me so that I dont infect them with this diseased mind of mine (hopefully its not contagious). Please save those few good people that are left on this Earth, not people like me! This is my ultimate prayer, but you wont answer it, because no one -- even you God -- deserves this abuse I spew in so many various hues of these chunks of green bile.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 21:56:26 +0000
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