Dear Tricia, Whatever has happened, please let me know if I can fix it. You mean the world to me. You always have. I know instinctively that you have been through some extremely difficult times in your life. I felt it when we were at Fordham, but I was afraid to put pressure on you to talk about it. You had built up a wall around yourself, and you wouldnt let me, or anyone else, in. I could plainly see that despite your outward toughness, which you showed to the world, deep inside, you were fragile, you were afraid of getting hurt again... And I was determined not to hurt you, and I vowed to myself to never let anyone hurt you. Despite what you later told me about that professor, I would never have compromised you by hitting him ( which is why you said you refused to say why you were breaking up with me). Yes, I did have a couple of years of boxing under my belt, but when all is said and done, I was, and am, a mush. I melt at the sight of a child crying, I have taken off my wimter coat and given it to a homeless man in a snowstorm, then continued on my way to work, where I spent the day cold and shivering on a construction site, working outside in sub-zero weather, with no coat. One of the reasons I quit boxing was, that, no matter how hard I got hit by my opponent (and sometimes it was REALLY hard), I couldnt summon the anger to go in for the kill. I would always back off and let my opponent recover, sometimes to my detriment. I got several concussions during those days, although I won nearly all of my fights. I was actually quite shocked when you told me you didnt confide in me because you were afraid Id punch the guy. You had no way of knowing that I grew up being bullied and beaten up in nearly every school I attended, except for St. Margarets, and the Catholic school I attended in Florida for one year. I was always fearful of fighting and avoided it whenever possible. Guess that made me a target for bullies. There is alot you dont know about me, that I would love to be able to tell you. Even though we only knew each other for a little while, I have always felt close to you. My gut tells me that Bolton or Sheila may have told you off, and that scares me beyond belief. After thinking about it for a while, I remember hearing Bolton yelling st you in our dorm, telling you to give me and Sheila some privacy. That had to be devastating to you. Whether you liked me romantically or not at that momen t(and I hope you did), there was no need for him to get nasty with you. It is a terrible feeling to walk in somewhere and basically be told you are not welcome. I remember hearing him yell at you. I dont know if I knew you were there. I dont think I knew. If I did realize it and didnt react, it was only because you had made it very clear hatyou wanted nothing to do with me and you never wanted to see me again (romantically). That idea ripped my heart out a few shards at a time. I really did want to marry you back then, and when you walked away, it tore me up on a daily basis. I had dreamt daily of how Id ask you to marry me, and how we would get married st Fordham... That is why I never tried to do the horizontal mambo. I always felt that, there was a secret bothering you, something that happened before college (it wasnt the jock at B.U. that made me feel that you wouldnt trust me, or let me in, although my instincts told me that you had a very unpleasant experience in Boston with a guy... I did feel that some college guy in Boston had tried to take advantage of you and that infurieated me. It isnt the kind of thing I could ask you about, but you had built up such a wall around yourself, that I hoped and prayed that he hadnt succeeded. Like I said, I fell, head over heels, totally, and hopelessly in love with you the day I met you. I am still in love with you today. I will always remain in love with you. Dont let that make you feel uncomfortable. I know you are happy and have a great life. You told me yourself that youd found your soulmate in Gary. While I am jealous, and I must admit that it does hurt, on a deep level, I am happy (though jealous and forlorn) for you. I know I will carry this burden for the rest of my life, and I know you wont care, but I ask
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 03:13:15 +0000
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