Diary entry not really intended to be read! Just look at the pictures and know it took 2 days and over 10 very dedicated and focused hours. And, I am totally proud of myself because it now feels good to be in our home office. It literally lost like 50 pounds or more (of paper weight). Watch out world, shes waking up! After years of feeling under water, behind the curve, unable to keep up....I am making unbelievable headway. This is incredible! I have put off this job knowing it would take hours to do it right. Well, it took me two days and well over 10 hours of hustle and sorting. I filled 2 black garbage bags about 3/4 full of paper to burn or recycle. The gut wrenching part was going through Cierras full drawer of paperwork. I had even thinned it over the years and only saved what was needed for insurance, etc. She still has about 6 inches of paperwork I am unwilling to or still logistically unable to part with. To see, in black and white, all Cierras medical conditions after having a year and a half break from experiencing them first hand was....surreal. The papers painted a picture of her life...which was what our lives revolved around. Papers documenting the many number of times insurance declined us for home nursing and countless other crucial things, the studies we contributed to as a family for genetics, the number of surgeries and hospitalizations, the number of people we met because of her....it just went on....and on....and on.... I was in absolute survival mode for years. I was so unaware of so many things in life because all I could think of was live, like, keep breathing, dont die...that kind of live...it was hardly life for a couple years. Eventually I took a course that thought me presence and Cierra started to stabilize...so the darkness became light but it was always weighty. Jamie was gone (literally living in Seattle for over a year when C was age 1-2 for work as it was the peek of the economic recession). We barely made ends meat, having lost over 50% of our income after just acquiring a mortgage that was double our first home. Oooppps! No crystal ball to help us make different choices there. So, we put our heads down and did what needed done. I kept Cierra alive until open heart surgery at 9 months old when we thought she would just kind of be miraculously healed and have a wonderful life...I pinched pennies like no ones business....Jamie sacrificed being home in order to provide for us income, and most importantly at the time, insurance...Dakota was almost 3 when C was born and her little sister was un-doubt-ably a curve-ball for her childhood. But, she still kept being a handful like any 3 year old despite my hands already being full. Anyhow, I havent felt like I had my home in order since we lived in Shaddle in 2005 (the year Dakota was born). Oh...AND, we were living in an absolute construction zone the first several years we were at our current home (just to add to the mix a bit more). This was just a huge ramble.... ha. The thing is, I felt like ME yesterday and today. I was focused and creating calm through organization. I was being progressive, energetic, and unstoppable. These are things that, through the last 10 years I have not owned. I owned it today and I am pleased as punch. If you read all this you are nuts. Sometimes I just write because this is like my online diary. Loves xo
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 03:03:11 +0000
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