Discipline mistakes all Moms make ... A great piece Were too negative. Dont hit your sister! Stop pulling the dogs tail! The number of things you tell your toddler or preschooler not to do is endless.THE FIX Ask for the behavior you want to see. Nobody wants to raise a child who doesnt understand limits, but parents say no so frequently that kids become deaf to it -- and the word loses its power, Dr. Borba explains. Moreover, we often tell kids not to do something without letting them know what they should be doing, notes Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the naysaying for truly dangerous situations (think: fork in the electrical socket or your child eating the spider plant), and focus on telling kids how you would like them to behave. For example, instead of, No standing in the bathtub! try, We sit down in the bathtub because its slippery. Later, when you notice your kid splashing away in a seated position, offer some praise (I like how youre sitting!) to reinforce her good behavior. Parenting Style: Positive Parenting We expect too much from our kids. Youre sitting in church when your toddler shouts. As soon as you shush him, he does it again. Mortifying! Why doesnt he listen?THE FIX Play teacher. Very young children still havent developed impulse control or learned the social graces required in public places like stores and restaurants. Parents assume kids know more than they do, Dr. Sonna says.When your child breaks a norm, remind yourself that he isnt trying to be a pain -- he just doesnt know how to act in the situation, so snapping isnt effective (or fair). Focus on showing your child how you want him to behave, softly saying things like, Im being quiet because Im in church, but if I need something from Dad I lean in close to whisper. Also point out what others are doing (Look how Charlie is coloring while he waits for his meal to arrive). Kids are born mimics, so modeling or drawing attention to something we want them to do goes a long way.It takes time and repetition for kids to learn to handle themselves, Dr. Sonna says, which means you should expect to give your kid a lot of reminders -- and remove him when he doesnt get the message. Over time, hell learn how to act. We model behavior we dont want to see. When you drop something, you yell. A man cuts you off and you call him a rude name. But then you get mad if your kid reacts the same way when things dont go her way.THE FIX Apologize and take a do-over. Theres a boomerang effect to behavior: If we yell, our kids probably will too, says Devra Renner, coauthor ofMommy Guilt. Yes, its hard to be on perfect behavior around the clock, so apologize when you do slip up. Emotions are powerful and difficult to control, even for grown-ups, Renner notes, but saying sorry demonstrates that were accountable for our actions nonetheless.It also creates the chance to talk about why you reacted the way you did and offers appropriate ways to respond when youre feeling frustrated. Thats what Deena Blumenfeld, of Pittsburgh, did when her son Owen, 5, protested so much about getting dressed that she snapped, Just shut up and get dressed! Realizing this was not how shed want her son to react in a similar situation, she knelt down, apologized, then talked about how important it is to be on time for school. It worked: Owen got ready for school calmly after that. We intervene when our kids simply annoy us. You hear your children chasing each other around the house and immediately shout.THE FIX Ignore selectively. Often, parents feel the need to step in every time kids do something, well, kid-like. But always being the bad guy is exhausting, Dr. Borba notes. Keep in mind that children sometimes do things that are irksome because theyre exploring new skills. (So your toddler could be dumping juice into his cereal because hes learning about liquids.) Other times, theyre seeking attention. When it comes to reacting, Dr. Borbas rule of thumb is: When safety isnt an issue, try watchful waiting. If your 6-year-old is playing his recorder with his nose, try not to shout. See what happens if you just continue with what youre doing as if nothing is happening. Most likely, if you dont respond, he will eventually stop -- and youll feel calmer, having avoided a shouting match. Were all talk and no action. Turn off the TV... Im serious this time... Really! Your kids continue bad behavior when warnings are vague for the same reason you run yellow lights -- there arent consequences.THE FIX Set limits and follow through. Nagging, second chances, and negotiation all convey that cooperation is optional, says Robert MacKenzie, Ph.D., author ofSetting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. To teach kids to follow rules, make expectations clear, then take action when theyre broken. If you want your kid to, say, get off the couch and do homework, start with respectful directives (Please turn off the TV now and do your work). If she follows through, thank her. If not, give a consequence: Im turning off the TV now. Until your work is finished, your TV privileges are suspended. We use time-out ineffectively. When you send your 3-year-old to his room after he hits his brother, he starts banging his head on the floor in rage.THE FIX Consider a time-in. A time-out is meant to be a chance for a child to calm down, not a punishment. Some kids respond well to the suggestion that they go to a quiet room until theyre chill. But others view it as a rejection, and it riles them up. Plus, it doesnt teach kids how you want them to behave. As an alternative, Dr. Sonna suggests taking a time-in, where you sit quietly with your kid. If hes very upset, hold him to get him settled down, Dr. Sonna adds. Once hes relaxed, calmly explain why the behavior wasnt okay. Too angry to comfort him? Put yourself in time-out; once youve relaxed, discuss what you would like your child to do differently.
Posted on: Mon, 25 Nov 2013 05:51:21 +0000