Do I really give the impression my life is great, as in I have no worries or that I am free of stress? A conversation with someone today has brought me to the point, of writing this post and sharing my “great life” with you all. This isnt the first time someone has made what may seem to be a simple comment to most, but very hurtful one to me. No name will be given because I know this person meant no harm, but harm was definitely felt. I now know that grief is different for everyone, especially when it comes to the loved one haven lost. I chose to not share this part of my life on here and with very few of you all because I feel its all I have left of Yosbel and I want it all to myself. Plus I have found that most are just curious and like to use it as their main gossip topic during meals, or to just bring attention to themselves because they know me in one way or another. My life IS NOT great!!! I feel pain, in my heart and in my soul every second of every day. I fight with myself to try to see and appreciate the blessings I am given daily, especially the time I am given with Lialani. As most of you assume, I did come into some money when Yosbel died. But that doesnt mean we are ok now because of it. They say money changes people, and their right. It changes the people around you. Not only did I lose my husband I lost who I thought were my real “friends” because saying No, when asked to “borrow” thousands of dollars, and even that of a short loan that was never paid back. What most people fail to see and understand, is I need to raise Lialani off this money for the next 14+ years. So when you look at it from that perspective, it really isnt much. Many times I have been kicked when at my lowest to only come home and beat myself up more for not having said or done anything to stick up for myself. Especially when being accused of “jealousy” because I no longer had a husband and they did. I DO HAVE A HUSBAND!!! I am nor will I ever be jealous of someone else relationship or family. No one can ever replace my husband or compare to him in my eyes. I loved him and he loved me. We had a plan, even at our trouble points in our relationship, we had a plan and we always followed through. This wasnt apart of the plan. We talked about this happening once or twice, even joking but we never made a plan to “if this happens”. Im lost, and Im confused!!! And in the mix of all this I have to raise Lialani, alone. I have to be prepared daily because I dont know when she will decided to burst out into her millions of questions of what happen to daddy and why. When I dont even understand why or how it happened. I have to find ways to comfort her without breaking down myself on those sleepless nights that she continues to have. Whats so great about that? Some say “well at least you have school and its free”. First off it isnt “free”, I served 7 years 3 months and 15 days in the United States Army to earn that privilege. If it was free, everyone would be going to school for “free”. Going to school isnt easy for me either, academically and emotionally. Its a reminder that I am moving forward without him and the fact that he is no longer here. Especially because he would praise me on a job well done and encourage me on those not so easy days. Just one of the many things he did to show his love for me. I honestly find it hard to believe hes gone and I am never going to see his face again. Hes never going to give me prickly kisses, or hold me so tight to the point where he is physically hurting me. This post isnt to bring attention to myself or pity to my situation I dont need it nor want it. Its just to make things clear about how “great” my life is to those who think it is. And to request if you are on my page to see what I am doing, to only be nosey, gossip, or just talk nasty about me behind my back to please GET OFF and to those who havent made it this far to stop sending me friend request. If we werent friends before or you know damn well i didnt like you than obviously this is for you. Ive been ran over and talked about to many times during my grief process that I refuse to let it happen anymore. Also I want to say thank you, to those few that continue to check up on us and respect our grief and loss. I am truly thankful for it because those gestures help get me through my hardest days.
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 23:32:49 +0000