Do you notice that gnawing stomach ache more often than not? It seems my stomach has been sending me signals…but due to wandering around half coherent in life…I did not notice it until today. And that’s only because a good dose of anxiety kicked in with it. My hands were shaking, I could not think, I could barely breathe due to muscles constricting in my chest. The problem was that I couldn’t pinpoint why the anxiety or stomach ache were even occurring. Then I noticed the dates circled on my calendar… Will’s birthday is this coming Saturday. He would have been 50. Plans have been made to attend a Ball, celebrate his birthday with cake and sparklers, and wait for signals. Everything should be just peachy, right? I thought so…but it seems somehow even though I made plans for distraction and to be positive…part of my brain reminds me of the painful idea of loss. November is full of sorrowful dates and of course the Thanksgiving holiday is this month as well…there’s the source of my anxiety and need to cry. One would think that being five years down the line after loss, those dates wouldn’t make your knees buckle without warning you first. Being a woman who does all she can to keep positive, flip turmoil and make it a lesson and see the positive in it, and put on a happy face…tears and falling apart just doesn’t fit into my itinerary. Sitting here, I think it’s dawned on me, that I have been pushing so hard to beat this thing known as grief, that I held up some tears that need to be spilled. I’ll sign off from here and do that now… Tears are not a sign of weakness…that will be my next cue card! Hugs & Blessings. ~Margaret Cowie
Posted on: Mon, 18 Nov 2013 22:00:01 +0000
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