***Domestic Violence: WHY A REAL MAN OR WOMAN WILL HAVE NO PART OF IT?*** (WARNING THE ATTACHED VIDEO CONTAINS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED) I cried inside to see such abuse affected on a woman in the full view of the community. In this sharing, I cannot delve into every aspect and facet of the societal underpinnings that enables such behavior for lack of time and space, but I feel the absolute necessity to condemn this action from the onset and give reasons on both sides of the spectrum why this phenomenon is unhealthy for the society as a whole, while providing a few solutions where applicable. As I begin, I commence with the chief or main perpetrators the male abusers citing reasons why it is wholly inappropriate and wrong to do so. I do this strategically and intentionally given my understanding of the importance of the male role in societal progress and development as follows. The Genesis Factor: The womb from which we come is a sacred vessel, it is through women that we (men) are born after Eve, that we (men) come into this world. To hit or hurt a woman is to act contrary and ungracious to one’s origin. No real man does that. It is grotesque beyond words. The Headship Factor: As a man that is in control of yourself, your faculties, your spirit and your mind, it is not even conceivable that such leave of the sense can be engaged and enjoyed, while at the same time bearing the title of head (governor) of the household whose responsibility is to protect and provide. The Advantage Factor: Ceteris paribus (all factors being constant) as men we are stronger pound for pound than our female counterparts by design and development, as such, to stoop to such low levels of exercising one’s power speaks to a complete violation and abuse of that power. It is then absolutely fair to posit that such a man in beating upon the weak renders himself automatically weaker than his victim for his misuse of power. The Love Factor: A man cannot hurt or injury the woman that he loves. For those who appeal to scripture like I do, 1 Corinthians 13 gives a rather thorough breakdown of the virtues of love and clearly distinguishes same from all acts that are self centred or self-serving in nature. An excerpt reads from verses four through eight. “4 Charity (Love) is patient, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity (love) vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” The Model Factor: Men with an understanding our true role, identity and purpose can and will never seek to set the wrong example, for as the man goes, so to does the society. The young men being socialized in an environment where men abuse power, will themselves tend to such abuse. The village being an interdependent construct necessitates that all aspects and factors of leadership be ever aware and conscious of the lessons they teach through life choices. We cannot say, “do as I say and not as I do”, to the young men looking to us for direction and righteous example. Appeal To Women: Do not allow yourself to be made an object of abuse. There are several telltale signs that a man has such tendencies: violent explosive tempers, aggressive behavior, lack of compassion and empathy for those who are weaker or more vulnerable, a history of violence and abuse of power, substance abuse, inter alia. Be aware and take a stance early as your decisions will ultimately affect many within the societal construct. The Effect on Daughters: It should be understood that your daughters emulate you wittingly and unwittingly. Even harboring that energy can adversely affect their choices later on in life, as they will be more likely to attract or be attracted by abusive men. I am all too familiar as a ministerial counselor of a number of woman whose mothers were abused who went on to choose spouses who themselves turned out to be abusive, in some cases multiple partners in succession. In some experience some women will find a reason to break up with a man who is not abusive, or make pick fights, because abuse is their normative, which he is not engaging. These cycles are difficult to break and require prayer (deliverance), counseling and decisive responsible action in my experience and expertise. This same principle is applicable to your peers, when you model acceptance of this abhorrent behavior. The Effect on Sons: You tell your sons by staying in abusive relation that it is ok to abuse a woman, you also unwittingly say to him that abusive men are attractive and the consequences are slim to none, if you stay in such relationships. It is inconceivable that you would wish that your son respect women, while you make it acceptable to be a victim of such abuse. The Effect on Other Men: There are many gentlemen in the world today. There are still good decent honest and hardworking men of good wholesome family values and convictions. But, these men are oft painted in society as being weak or unattractive, if they don’t have a violent dangerous edge to them. Don’t fall for the hype or stereotypes, such a position is not only obscene it is absurd and even malevolent at the core. Many a woman has spoiled good men by showing an unhealthy attraction to abusers. This sends a signal that abusers are attractive and an object to be desired and this is not the case. The opposite is true. I have seen many men go from gentleman to gangster or angel to aggressor because they were left for a man who can’t even tie their shoes, whose only claim to attractiveness was an edgy aggressive side that their ex admired. One of the most powerful rehabilitating tools in the world is feminine attractiveness to a man, men have and will continue to adapt their behavior to suit the real and perceived desires of the women within their social construct. There is another issue at hand as well, that being homicide. In defense of your poor choices many men have died or killed for your honour. Stop the madness! End the insanity! No more men have to die needlessly seeking to protect you from your primal animalistic near satanic instinct to seek out a ‘warrior’ at any cost. Such men are not warriors in the true sense, they only cause worries. You are causing men their lives by your irresponsibility. I can tell you from firsthand knowledge that there are dead men today, because they sought to protect a friend or sister or neighbor from an abusive lover or husband, in other instances they have killed for them. Again I say, stop the madness! Appeal To The Men: You are without excuse, whether she is unfaithful and women are increasingly becoming unfaithful, whether she is trifling and many women are no doubt, whether she is aggressive, whether she is nagging (we know that a woman’s weapon is her mouth which she oft needs deliverance from), whether she asked for it or begged for it. Resorting to violence against a woman is never an option. You are in control of you not her. When you stoop for any reason and lose control you are no longer being the man you are called to be. Take Time Out: Walk away. It is important sometimes to create safe distance between you and your lover or wife if you feel aggression rising in you towards completely losing your temper. It might be a walk around the neighborhood, it might be some gardening, it might be a game of football or basketball with the boys it is always better to take time apart if you feel that urge. In some extreme cases take a break go on a sabbatical at a safe location, which is in support of your union. Your female friend’s house is not an option during these seasons. Seek Counseling: This should ideally be done as a couple. I know that there is a tendency for men to view counseling as an emasculating act, but nothing can be further from the truth than that. It is you demonstrating your strength to make it work even, if it means seeking a trained impartial third person neutral. You all can discover things about yourselves and each other in such atmospheres that you may never do otherwise. When you take this step don’t go on blame games, what you want to do is both be on the side of your relationship, i.e. rooting for a win-win situation. You do not want to prove her wrong and yourself right. What you want to do is fight for that which is worth fighting for, a healthy relationship. In this case, your spouse becomes your ally not your enemy. You are both seeking to save what can be salvaged. Note to all couples: I say this without fear or favour not all relationships are worth salvaging. If haven given your best, you realize that the mindset of the person or your own is fixed and things are eroding from bad to worse, in such cases it is better to bring the relationship to an end while life and limbs are still intact. Bringing a relationship to an end to prevent abuse of someone you love is a good thing to be admired and celebrated, you gave it your all, but it suffered a natural death. There is Power in Prayer: I know that we are living in an ever increasing secularized society, but there is no denying the power of prayer. Prayer has many modes and motives behind it, always ensure that you are honest when approaching God’s throne. It is written that “the effectual fervent prayer of the righteous avails much.” At times you need to pray for the strength to be patient, at other times the prayer to be more loving, at yet other times the prayer for strength to walk away from an abusive situation, at other times for the strength to be a real man in every sense of the word, but to pray I encourage absolutely. Together we can end the madness. Kwame Kamau Available and Willing to Support 367-6339
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 16:48:44 +0000
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