During any flare I can be heard muttering something under my breath...I just wish I were stronger! I dont even realize Im doing it sometimes. And then, eventually, I do become stronger. I dont have to stop and think about how to get up or down a step or how to rise from a seated position. And Im glad but I begin lamenting about something else. During these past nearly 7 weeks Ive had to rely on a handful of women to be my strength. I needed them to fetch me food, bring me Azaria and do the cooking and cleaning for me. I appreciated their strength but I found myself becoming JEALOUS of it! Wow...so ugly! *I* wanted to be the one playing with my daughter on the floor, *I* wanted to be the one bringing dinner to an ill friend, *I* wanted to not be so darn needy...again. As I grappled with this I felt so duplicitous. Two faced. I NEEDED this help and I almost resented it. Its hard to be a burden, to know youre inconveniencing those you love and even wearing them out. This was not an unfamiliar feeling, but this time was different because of my baby. The mom gene was still there as strong as ever but I had to tailor how I cared for her and entrust her to others. God showed me some major yuckiness in my heart. Never fun. Always good. I DO wish I didnt have these diseases and I long to be strong consistently but that is not what God has given me. Its easier for me to say this now, as I feel my legs engaging again and the fevers trail off...in the midst of it...ugh. God brought something to mind the past couple days as Ive been processing this struggle. The women who have so selflessly helped me ARE NOT STRONG. I see them as invincible because they come over for hours and work the whole time, but how easily I forget! As I think through the list of those whove helped, here are some of the thorns in the sides of these saints whove helped me....or the thorns I KNOW about: Cancer Multiple Sclerosis Sjogrens Lupus Rheumatoid Arthritis Recent miscarriage Psoriatic Arthritis In need of a hip replacement Financial struggles The grass is NOT greener on the other side! How foolish of me to think so and to long for something that God in His sovereignty has not given to me! These ladies cleaned my toilets, changed my babys diapers, brought lovely meals... Its ok for me not to LOVE having a condition that throws me out of commission for months with little to no warning and leaves a wake of nerve pain etc. Itd be weird if I DID enjoy this. But its not ok for me to envy what God has clearly not granted. For now, there has not been complete healing.....AND God is good, always.
Posted on: Tue, 20 Jan 2015 04:53:31 +0000
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