EGOS VENOMOUS TRAITS ENVY THE GOSSIPER THE VICTIM THE CONTROL FREAK AND THE JUDGMENTAL CRITIC 3 Reasons Why Envy Can Cause Bullying Discover how envy and bullying are connected Envy exists when people want something that another person has. They feel that it is not fair for that person to have what they want. For instance, kids feel envious when another is perceived to be more popular or well liked. They also might feel envy when someone is elected class president or is acknowledged for getting good grades. Kids can even feel envious over clothes, electronics and relationships. Whatever the source of the envy, they covet what another person has and wish it was theirs. For this reason, envy is sometimes at the root of bullying behaviors especially when it comes to mean girl behavior and relational aggression. Here are three reasons why envy can lead to bullying behavior. The bully is measuring herself against another person’s talents, reputation or possessions. When people get caught up in comparisons, they feel like they don’t measure up to the person they are envious of. As a result, they want to take something away from the other person. To do that, they often resort to bullying. This can include everything from threatening behaviors to name-calling, spreading rumors and gossip and cyberbullying. In these instances, envy becomes a form of power and the goal is to deprive others of what they have, whether it is a special talent, being popular or having nice clothes. The bully struggles with self-esteem issues. Sometimes envy rears its ugly head when a person feels a sense of inadequacy, emptiness or unworthiness. In these cases, kids want to close the gap between what others have and what they want. So the goal behind their bullying is to bolster their own feelings of self-esteem at the expense of another person. But envy is a hunger that cannot be filled with bullying behavior. Bullies never develop a sense of self-worth or happiness at another’s expense. Although seeing the person they are envious of suffering may seem like what they want, it does little to make the bully feel better about who she is. At the end of the day, she still has the same self-esteem issues that need to be addressed. The bully is competitive and a perfectionist. Envy also can be related to competition. This is where bullying in sports often comes from. But envy that results from competition it is not limited to bullying on sports teams. Kids can be competitive in all areas of their lives including in relationships, with grades and with status. Usually, competitive and perfectionistic kids envy others who seem to have some advantage or power that they want to have. They cannot tolerate the success of someone else because it makes them feel inferior or less than perfect so they resort to bullying. The goal behind their bullying behavior is to eliminate the competition or find a way to possess the position the victim of bullying has. They believe that by taking away another’s success they will in turn make themselves feel better. But it never works out that way. If you see your child struggling with envy, it is important to address those feelings right away. Help your child determine why she feels envious and then come up with some solutions for working through her envy. For instance, turn her envy into a motivator to work harder on her goals. Instead of focusing on what she doesn’t have, teach her to focus on how she can achieve what she wants in a healthy way. You also can take steps to improve her self-esteem. And teach her that the success of others does not diminish who she is. 4 Ways to Benefit from Envy By Leslie Ralph, PhD 4 Ways to Benefit from EnvyIf I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. ~ Mahatma Gandhi Upward comparison is a universal experience. It is one way that we determine where we stand among others. There will always be someone more intelligent, funny, interesting, or accomplished to compare ourselves against. Others appear to have figured it all out when we feel we don’t have a clue. The effects of these comparisons can hit us hard, influencing our emotions and our self-perception. It can be painful to compare ourselves to those we perceive as better, especially in meaningful areas. Under these circumstances, we can tell ourselves how we should be. This process can be damaging, but perhaps not always. For me, graduate school was an environment teeming with comparison and all that comes with it: anxiety, frustration and envy. I experienced a shift in my perspective of myself vs. others when rehashing the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy with a close friend. Two of the main characters were in the familiar situation of comparing themselves to their seemingly more accomplished peers. They made a pact — they would be doers, not watchers. This moment in the show resonated with us, and it seemed possible to become like those we compared ourselves to. The situation was suddenly within our control. That moment is more than just a lesson about how Grey’s Anatomy may have helped me survive graduate school. It is a lesson about moving through envy to motivation. I was indeed envious (though I can’t speak for my friend), and I was also motivated to change this. Envy is born from comparison to another’s superior achievements, possessions or skills. It certainly has a bad reputation, which is well-deserved. Envy can be destructive. It can create feelings of shame and frustration and push us to complain, gossip and sabotage. We can try to get rid of the painful feelings created by comparison by tearing others down or hoping for their downfall. We may tell ourselves that that should have been us. However, such malicious envy has a much more constructive counterpart: benign envy. It is true that upward comparison is not for the faint of heart. We can feel inferior and view ourselves as responsible for our perceived inferiority. We are also driven to get rid of these painful feelings one way or another. These feelings can prompt us to change, however. Research suggests that perceiving the target of our envy as deserving of their success and perceiving ourselves as having some control over our success makes all the difference. We have no sense of injustice or resentment with benign envy. When we experience benign envy, we are motivated toward positive change. In fact, it seems that the frustration resulting from our comparison is the driving force behind this motivation. With benign envy, we are inspired. We tell ourselves, “That could be me.” When we can identify what we need to do to improve and feel empowered to make that improvement, we are more likely to work hard to attain it. Below are four ways to move through envy to motivation: Compare mindfully. If you compare yourself to others, do so with the intention of improving yourself rather than bringing others down. Focus on similar others and realistic goals. When you compare, notice urges to complain or gossip. Notice thoughts about whether or not you can change your situation. Be mindful of your inner critic without believing every word it says. Compliment. As research suggests, complimenting the target of your comparison is beneficial to you. Discover what you like about this person. Compliment their hard work. You may feel more inspired to make a change for yourself when you view the other person as deserving and in control of what they have. Focus on concrete steps. Perceived control over your situation goes a long way toward motivation. Identify the steps that will take you from watcher to doer. If whatever it is you want seems like it is too far out of your reach, break it down further. Like steering a ship, it is the small adjustments that help you reach your destination. Know when to stop. While there is nothing wrong with achieving your goals, constant comparison to others can take its toll on you. If you find yourself consumed with perfectionism or malicious envy, take a step back from the situation. Appreciate what you have. Acknowledge your skills. Reassess whether your comparison and expectations are realistic. 8 Ways To Overcome Jealousy and Envy By Therese J. Borchard Associate Editor Pages: 1 2All I know that the fastest way to despair is by comparing one’s insides with another’s outsides, and that Max Ehrmann, the author of the classic poem “Desiderata,” was absolutely correct when he said that if you compare yourself with others you become either vain or bitter, or, as Helen Keller put it: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.” But Helen and Max don’t keep me from going to the land of comparisons and envy. Before long, I’m salivating over someone else’s book contract, or blog traffic numbers, or “Today Show” appearance. Then I have to pull out my set of directions–these 8 techniques–that will lead me out of the continent of jealousy and home, to self-acceptance: 1. Get more information. Most of the time we envy one quality about a person, and we presume the rest of her qualities are as perfect as the one we want. That’s usually not the case. Think Rain Man. Boy did he know how to count those straws and play poker. But his social skills needed some fine-tuning, yes? Do some research on the person you want to temporarily destroy and you will find that she has her own set of problems and weaknesses. Moreover, if you consider her success in context, you’ll see that she hasn’t always been a superstar–that maybe, just maybe, back when you got a blue ribbon for the fastest freestyle swimmer in the 7 to 8 age group, she was afraid to dive in the pool or couldn’t figure out how to swim without getting water up her nose. My point: you don’t have the full story. Once you do, you’ll feel better. I think. 2. Compliment her. “WHAT?!? You can’t be serious,” you’re thinking to yourself. Actually I am. I have tried it numerous times and it works. Last year I came across a blogger I envied. She had two degrees from Yale. (I scored 1,000 on my SATs). Her books were bestsellers. (I had just received a royalty statement that said more copies of my book were returned than sold.) Her Technorati score (blog traffic) was, well, much better than mine. So…. I did something very counterintuitive. I e-mailed her to tell her how impressed I was with her, and I would very much like to interview her on Beyond Blue. When I started reading through her blogs, I found this great story about her feelings of insecurity regarding a fellow writer whom she felt somewhat threatened by because he was writing on the same topics as she was. What did she do about it? She contacted him and took him out to lunch. I couldn’t believe that she had moments of insecurity too! I mean, she’s got two Yale degrees! Nowhere in her bio did it mention insecurity. But by complimenting her, and connecting with her, and dare I say befriending her, I learned that she is just like me–with some outstanding strengths but some fears and reservations and insecurities, as well. 3. Do one thing better than her. This suggestion comes from Beyond Blue reader Plaidypus who wrote this as an assignment I gave everyone to list what they believe in: I believe that if you don’t succeed at first … you keep trying… and that failure teaches us about success… I believe that laughter is the best medicine… I believe that the best revenge against your enemies is to dress better than them… I absolutely loved the “dress better than your enemy” directive because it reminds us that we can always find one thing that we can do better than our friend-nemesis. If matching designer outfits gives you a boost of confidence, knock yourself out! If competing in a triathlon just to prove that you are in better shape than your mean cousin with a great figure will help, sign up! 4. Put the ladle (and the running shoes) away. Early on in my writing career, my mentor Mike Leach would say to me (when I panicked at spotting a more popular book on a certain topic than mine): “Her success doesn’t take away from yours. … Her numbers have nothing to do with yours.” I always remember that when I start thinking like a gerbil … that there is only one food bowl, and if you don’t get to it first and take as much as you need for an entire year, you and your whole gerbil family will die. Or, if you’re Italian, mom has made one pot of pasta, so you had better dig in and eat before your selfish brother ingests your portion. I repeat: one person’s success doesn’t rob another of success. In fact, success can often breed success.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 00:06:19 +0000
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