Each claim by this tabloid is a bare-faced lie – then again, what else can it do when the ‘Vow’ was a clumsy concoction to hoodwink a nation? After a number of weeks discussing in camera the contents of sandwiches and vol-au-vents delivered to their conference room, the members of the Myth Commission have arrived at unanimity. They are all agreed an OBE, if not an MBE, each, is in the offing. In a hastily organised press conference in an Edinburgh Pound Store – a venue signifying the Celtic armpit of prosperity the Commission hopes to bolster – Lord Myth announced their preordained powers they want Scotlandshire to have to ensure it remains exactly where it is now: vulnerable to force feeding, bogus battles, creeping campylobacter, (panto chickens) sold in poultry parlours, and the playground of Saudi princes sick of the sight of sand and oil wells. The Myth Commission, working under the armchairship of Lord Myth of Keltic and his slogan – ‘Scotland: Better Tethered – propose the following petty powers be given mythical status on the certainty none will be endorsed by the Westminster government, but the majority of the gullible people of Scotlandshire shall assume they are so endorsed, solid, tangible and implemented, their lives duly improved, days of glorious sunshine doubled. INCOME TAX: The Scottish Government is to be allowed to vary income tax levels so long as levels are perfectly in line with English tax levels. UK Prime Minister, David I am half-Scottish Cameron, announced as a policy of equitable advantage, Scottish MPs could not vote on English taxes including those inadvertently and automatically increasing the levels of Scottish taxes by mandatory inter-relation. VAT RECEIPTS: The Scottish Government will be entitled to gather in 50% of all VAT exchanged in Scotland under the black market system wherein people employing traders or buying goods offer cash in order to avoid VAT. The Scottish Government vows to employ a thousand ‘Vat Catchers’ to pounce on would-be transgressors. ROAD SIGNS: Road and traffic signs can be erected and pointed in any direction a local authority thinks fit. Hitherto, all Scottish road signs pointed at the high road to London. SPEED LIMITS: Speed limits are to be devolved to the Scottish Parliament. Currently amphetamine abuse is restricted to small pockets of the main cities and some celebrity high fliers. Drug dealers have welcomed the new powers dubbed ‘the Begbie Bender.’ BEDROOM TAX: Holyrood can mitigate the impact of bedroom tax by allowing home owners and renters to claim they never use one, in the same way BBC licence dodgers claim they never watch BBC Television, and so avoid paying anything. Clatty Betty, owner of Seedie Greedy’s Twenty-four Hour Massage Parlour, and spokesperson of the ‘No Tax on Sad Sacks’ campaign said, ‘the relaxation does not go far enough.’ NICOLA STURGEON: When asked to comment on the alleged new powers, First Minster of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, offered a riddle. ‘What’s big, black and brown and looks great on Cameron? After journalists scratched their heads – no treats found there – and gave various incorrect answers, she answered he own question, “A Rottweiler.” She added jocularly that like her predecessor, Alex Salmond, she planned to lose a ton of weight – England. Lord Myth refused to answer questions from assembled hacks for he was currently unable to divulge the information as it might compromise MI5 agents in the field. The Myth Commission – we make ‘em, you swallow ‘em. (NOTE FOR FOREIGN READERS. All the powers mentioned in this spoof are genuinely those offered to Scotland by the Smith Commission, but only Road Signs is new. They others are illusory, re-labelled, watered down powers discussed many months ago now re-parcelled, almost all useless as far as creating a happier, healthier, and more mature nation is concerned. They are the cosmetic claptrap even some cynical No voters expected from a group of dull, ne-er-do-wells, low-rent politicians* comfortably united in their absolute antipathy to Scottish democracy. Few if any of the phony powers will pass go let alone collect £200 when presented to the Dishonorable members of London’s Gothic palace.) * In fairness, Labour politicians simply made a poor life choice.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 21:00:06 +0000
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