Entry 1 - 18/06/13 - Just received a message, its now 15:13 and this is my second message from my love, i got one earlier because i woke her up (it was 1pm here i am 5 hours ahead and i couldnt wait any longer. 8am there i thought i was not doing too bad to message) She went back to sleep and since then i kept a little busy for about an hour and from then on all the symptoms arrived again. They always arrive much stronger in situations like this. Earlier i made a google search about the feelings i am having. Lovesickness was the term, and pretty much every emotion i am having was listed there. Of course it can still be mythical and unbeleavable to the majority of people. But it at least gives me the feeling that i am not abnormal. And that i am not just being a victim. Although i am a victim to my own weak mind. It helps me maybe 1%. better than nothing i guess. Today i got a healthy amount of work done. Waiting other people to complete some things. My mood has not really affected my workload which is good. But then again i am never extremely busy. So having time on my hands cannot help if i am not being productive. I have the feeling my productivity level in work will now be 0% for the rest of the day. Barring a miracle. Just had another thought "patience does not exist right now" Well the conversation was very brief. "now i need wait another 2 hours for my fix" Its hard to be expected to turn things on and off. And its especially hard when you feel the other person deals with it soo easy, it feels too easy. But i can only think the worst. Its like.. wait 7 hours, get a message... :) then so quickly the other person goes... 2 hours later, get 1 message (remembering that you initiated the contact both times) so soon later the other person goes again and your expected to wait 2 hours. Reading what i write, and thinking what i think about. It makes me feel ridiculous. Will it stop me ever thinking this again? No. The cycle repeats. Knowing that other people would be sure to say i am being stupid, or a child or anything else also gives me feelings of disbeleif. It must be as close to feeling alien as possible. Let me be clear on something.. the obvious reaction is that if i keep myself busy then it will be easier. Well yes, for all of 30minutes. Or maybe if i am lucky a couple of hours. but even with the greatest motivation in the world it takes only 1 thought to return to the hard moments. The hardest thing is to avoid torturing yourself when your mind is determined to do it. For a moment i just felt a lot better. though my eyes feel like i have just cried, weird though as i havent even been close. Frustration. (the word just entered my head) Ill go to get a drink and try listening to music while i "work". Might help get to 4:30... p.s, its not good to set time targets. the day only takes longer (though i know it, i still do it.. 5 minutes can feel like 20)
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:19:47 +0000
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