Eric my brother I have got to do something different than what I have in the past. I am a grandpa now and even though I blame myself everyday Ill tell you all why. On December 20th 1985, 10 days after my 11th Birthday and 5 days before Christmas and the day our Elementary school let us out for Winter break. Was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life to this date. It was a crisp winter night that carries a particular scent that haunts me every Year at this time, it causes me to relive it and dream about it, but I am going to talk about it and one last time after I will write him a deep felt poem and then I am going to try and let him rest in peace. I dont know what else to do about this depression that takes a hold of me living a productive happy life and I am tired of it so it it goes. My brother was my best friend we did everything together, but I was also a big brother and sometimes could be cruel as hell. On December 20th, 1985 I made my brother walk across the street with out checking traffic on the road because I got mad that he was smiling and happy without me being there to share it with him. I yelled and threatened him To come to me NOW! And before I could even blink a car came out of know where and hit him so hard it knocked his shoes off, he flew in the air to the other traffic going the other way and bounced off the windshield of that car, and hit by the wheel of a third vehicle right were his body came to a stop. I remember the smile on his face never went away, like those boxers who get knocked out so hard their fist and fighting stance stay the same while they lay on the mat when the ref is calling the fight. Well that was the smile he had on his face. I ran and grabbed him and sat Indian style instantly because my legs fell out from under me. I put his head in my lap and caressed his badly damaged little body, I kissed his forehead over and over telling him how much I loved him, telling him how much I needed him. He gave no reaction to my words I just remember how I looked into his face and he still had that ear to ear smile that he had because of the joy he was feeling at that very instant that he may have left this world. His body was getting very swollen as I kept rubbing his head begging him not to leave me by myself. Please God help him dont take him from me please. Than the helicopter paramedics came over and were trying to pull me off of him but I would not stop kissing him and begging him to live, I promised that I would never bully him again as song as I live. I ask if I let go of him can you save him and they said yes that his injures looked worse than what what it was so I kissed him one more time and whispered in his ear that you are my best friend my everything and that I would see him in the hospital not to be scared because Ill stay with you at the hospital. As they pulled him away I sat on the curb sobbing for anyone to take me to the hospital when finally these people did and my friend Leah rode with me. I knew he would be ok God would not take the only person who was going through foster homes and group homes with me. Then when we got to the hospital the first person I saw was my uncle Timmy and he was sobbing say hes gone Benji your Brother gone he went to heaven.... With out me because I was so mean and mad that he was getting attention that I wanted, I killed him and for 30 years today I have lived with that, I dream about it, I smell it every year and I have missed him so so much I cant express that enough! 30 years and I still have not learned how to cope so here is my last hope. Thank you all for listening to my story. Here is my poem to you my little brother Ill see you soon but hopefully not too soon? Eric my little brother after 30 years, Youre still here in my heart and mind, still making me laugh and cry cause your stories live on. I hold you in a thought and I can feel you. Depression has been the only feeling in my heart, This year though is different little brother, I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. I actually am trying a job, things are looking up God knows, The tears I have cried for you could flood the world and I know it was you that have wiped each one away. For you Brother, I promise you this, from this year forth, I will go on with my life and make you proud. I will always hold you in my heart. I promise you I will be missing you everyday till the end of time, but this is not my end and I cant hold my head underwater no more. I gotta breathe, I want to breathe, I need to breathe Eric my little brother yes oh god yes I know, I need to love and miss you, but I also need to live because through me you will live, and thats not the only thing you will still laugh and love, you will still sing and dance, you will still hug and kiss. You will forever be in our lives, you will forever be a brother, a son, an uncle and friend. I am going to miss your shining face and golden blonde hair I think of you and wonder why? I might cry or smile, but at the end of the day I am one day closer to you....
Posted on: Sat, 20 Dec 2014 13:01:18 +0000
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015