Eulogizing Cat When I met Brett, he was the actor, and I was the tech. My Freshman year of high school, I was in Drama 1 and Technical Theatre, and the only way I could be involved in the productions was to sign up to do Tech. The play was called “Zorro’s Back In Town,” by Tim Kelly, and it was a very cheeseball comedy. My job was to hide behind the door to the saloon, and every time a character entered or exited, I threw stuff through the door. I remember one point in the show Brett’s character was challenged by the villain to dance, and he started to, then pretended to injure his leg. His cheesy Mexican accent and the physicality of the comedy always made me laugh. By Spring production (Bye Bye Birdie, which I worked follow spot for), he’d introduced me to his circle of friends: Victor Golden, Gregg Roach, and Greg King. I was late to the group, as another friend who now goes by the name Connor had moved away. He and I never had much of a connection. The connection between the five of us, Greg, Roach, Victor, Brett and myself was built through theatre, comics and especially role playing. I had played a little Dungeons and Dragons in elementary school, and always maintained an interest in fantasy and science fiction, but when we all started comparing notes, we found stories to tell, worlds to conquer, fantasies to write. We all took up super hero roleplaying, and created characters based on ourselves in the Marvel Universe. Roach created a sorcerer named Darkflight. King had a half-demon berserker named Stryke, who remains one of the most visually interesting characters I’ve run across. Victor created kinetic energy tank Power Punch. I created Lightning, who generated and controlled electricity. Brett created Cat, a paramilitary telepath, who, like our peer group, was the leader of the team. Roleplaying these stories was my first experience with the improv concept “If this, then what?” We asked ourselves “If these characters were actually part of the Marvel Universe, then what would they do?” We sought out the X-Men. Cat dated Rogue, discovering the remarkable and unique super power that he was the only one in the world who could touch her. We wrote those stories long before Marvel tried to match Rogue with Gambit. My character wooed Kitty Pryde (which was odd, given that while the two characters were the same age when we started writing, my character aged, while in Marvel continuity, Kitty has not). Roach was/is an artist, as was/is his friend Josh Miller. We all started collaborating on a comic book of our characters. I did the poor man’s copyright and mailed all of the characters to myself. I still have them. My friend Kim was part of our group, and at some point Brett started dating her. I moved away to Redlands. I came back from Redlands a year later, and rented a room next door to Brett’s house until we could get an apartment together. I started doing an improv show called ComedySportz, and wanting to have my best friend around, I got Brett to do sound for us. I remember walking in the back alley behind our apartment on Taylor street, practicing sound effects through mouth sounds. I remember the shitty car we got for $400, carpooling to BC and doing our damnedest to keep the stupid thing running. Always felt like the beast was in danger of just falling apart on the road. I was a lousy and unstable roommate. Kim moved in. I moved out eventually. We grew in different directions. Every once in awhile, usually by chance, we’d bump into each other, often in the parking lot of a gaming store. We haven’t been close since what, 1990? Being roommates did significant damage to our friendship, mostly through my neglect… but it was always nice to know my best friend was still out there. He’s not out there anymore… at least not in the way he used to be. Brett was trapped in a burning shed yesterday. He didn’t get out. I found myself praying the smoke had gotten to him first, because fire… well, I don’t want to think about that. Brett was born with Spina Bifida. It was always my (his?) assumption that the Spina Bifida would catch up with him eventually. It never did. He was a miracle baby, and it was an everpresent reminder of his condition to see his eyes, the pupils of which were ovular and bled down across the iris of his eyes. Eyes like cat’s. I can’t speak to what Brett would want now. That’s up to Kim. I’d hope that Brett doesn’t want to be mourned, that he’d want something more like a wake, or a party, a celebration of his life. Even though we haven’t been close friends in twenty years, I suppose that’s what I want… to share memories… to celebrate his life… to remember the things he’s done. I still write the stories of our characters… well, mostly mine. If I were to write a comic book, it would explore the dynamic of our characters’ relationships over years… how they change and grow… but now that book would deal with how we cope with the loss of one of our own. The major falling out with Brett was when I told him I didn’t really need a leader any more, that I had outgrown that dynamic. I don’t know that I would take that back, but I regret our inability to grow a solid friendship on equal footing since our time as roommates. There isn’t time now to rekindle that. That opportunity is gone. Roach found out from me. Then I apologized for causing the falling out between he and I, “Because apparently life is too short.” We agreed to talk today, because neither of us anticipated sleeping much last night.I still need to call him, and I will when were both ready. I’m hoping to attend the memorial service… if you get any information before I do, please let me know. Kim is managing her grief, and still managing to parent the daughter she and Brett adopted a few years ago. I talked to her briefly last night via Facebook… I want it to be important for us to be there for each other… all of us. I feel like I’m dancing around the way I feel. I took today off, and thank you Jamie and Alex for pointing out how much I probably needed to, I took today off in order to manage my feelings. But I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know whether to feel the profundity of the loss, or the loss of opportunity to salvage the friendship. I don’t know whether to feel guilt that I let it go, or sympathy for Kim. I don’t know how much of the pain and grudge and anger and discontent between the other members of the group and I will be released, if any. I suppose it’s ok to feel all of it, and yet none of it. I just feel like something should be right, and nothing is. Should I write something? Should I keep it to myself? Should I share it? Should I tag anyone? Or should I just pretend none of it happened? Many of our kids are named after our roleplaying characters (I’ve told my kids this a couple times – Alex is a Drow magic-user/thief and Katie is a shapeshifting half-dragon Paladin… I don’t think they know those details). Victor’s son is named after Brett’s Ranger, his favorite class in D&D. Our characters were our first children. We learned to create together. Brett’s memory has continued to live on in everything I’ve written, as my writing style was defined by walking home together and telling the stories of what our characters were doing… by overnights with little sleep, complaining about the smell of Roach’s feet and Greg laughing at the stupidity of our thought process because we didn’t solve problems the same way he did. I was watching Tosh.0 last night when I found out, having given the kids a choice between that and the season premiere of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. I found out from Kim’s Facebook, and couldn’t figure out why she’d make a joke like that. I couldn’t watch S.H.I.E.L.D.. After my character left our group, he joined S.H.I.E.L.D.. If you’ve ever sent me an email and wondered about my email address, it isn’t Long’s Word. It’s Longsword, the name of my character’s strike team for S.H.I.E.L.D. and the preferred weapon of our group in our D&D games. Watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. inevitably leads back to thoughts of my character, which always leads back to thoughts of their characters. In our minds, or at least mine, we were always pretty ingrained in the Marvel Universe. I suspect that’s why I prefer Marvel to DC. I watched the show today. And I’m glad I did. It was about taking the hits, dusting yourself off, figuring out what you’ve still got, and moving forward. It was the best way I could have spent today. I still don’t know what to feel, but I think I’ve made it to the point that I can at least accept it and manage it. I feel like its wrong to talk about my own feelings, like Im somehow selfish for doing it. However, I know it’ll help to share memories of the good times… so please, if you have memories of Brett you can share, please leave them here… and to those of you that are finding out about Brett’s death from me, I’m sorry for your loss. The world won’t be the same place without him. There’s a quote from one of my favorite comics that goes, “You gotta be one of the good guys, son, because there are way too many of the bad.” We lost one of the good guys yesterday. Im looking forward to reading your memories. Please feel free to tag anyone who can share, contribute, or who needs to know.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 21:48:58 +0000
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