Eusebius McKaiser’s tongue-in-cheek letter to the nation from “President Jacob Zuma”. ....................................................................Compatriots, it is a great honour to be writing to you after a long absence from public debate. The movement has not yet found my voice but it did provide me with a computer and fingers to type this letter to you. Thank you secretary-general of the ANC and prime minister of Mzansi, your excellency Gwede Mantashe, for imploring me to write this letter. I am always grateful for your guidance. I know I have not been visible lately, compatriots, especially in Parliament, but this is due to counter-revolutionary forces that threaten the national democratic revolution by demanding that I #paybackthemoney which I do not have. The forces are also collaborating with the Public Protector to threaten our hard-won democracy. This has necessitated the open letter to you to clarify my role in the challenges that face our people during these difficult times of poverty, inequality, un-employment and red berets. It must be made clear, compatriots, that it wasn’t me. Some among us think I am responsible for the Nkandla upgrades. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for Schabir Shaik’s early release from prison. It wasn’t me. Some think I was responsible for a plane landing illegally. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for former president Thabo Mbeki being recalled. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for Hlaudi Motsoeneng running the SABC. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for the appointment of Riah Phiyega as national police commissioner. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for becoming president of the ANC. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for being president of the country. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for accepting the nomination to become president of the ANC. It wasn’t me. Some think I am responsible for accepting the nomination to become president of the country, twice. It wasn’t me. Some among us are also mischievous about my role as president. It is necessary to educate the media, red berets, other political parties and internet trolls on what my constitutional role is and what it is not in our democracy. Some think I must have an opinion of my own on the national question. I don’t have to. Some think I must be concerned about low economic growth, growing inequality and high levels of unemployment. I don’t have to. Some think gay rights and equality for women must be things that a 100 percent Zulu man, who used to beat up gay boys, must care about. I don’t have to. Some think I must take the opposition seriously. I don’t have to. Some think I must take the media, civil society and critics seriously. I don’t have to. Some think I must take ANC voters seriously. I don’t have to. Some even suggest I need to engage in policy debates publicly. I don’t have to. My role, compatriots, is to not occupy my mind with such trivial matters because I am a disciplined cadre of the movement, and only the movement is allowed to think, to have opinions, to care about voters, to not care about voters, to react to the media and opposition parties and critics, to have a perspective on policy questions, on economic growth, inequality, unemployment and counter-revolutionary forces wearing red berets. Where and what is the movement, some among us might wonder. The movement is not what it is and is what it is not. It is nowhere and everywhere. It is not human, yet has a brain of its own, can think, can give orders and must be obeyed at all times. It is Our Supreme Leader, subservient to no one, not even the constitution. We are the movement. But the movement also gracefully gives political life to each of us. Only disciplined cadres of the movement benefit, however, from the riches of the movement. I bow to no one but the movement. You will see and know the movement only if you have faith. Ye of little faith, however, will not Cope, will be thrown out of Parliament, will lose power in KwaZulu-Natal, will run away to Harvard, and will starve. I am loyal, not to the constitution nor man nor woman, but only to the movement. Next time you make fun of my speech delivery, my giggle, my jive, my silence, my record, my wives, my future wives, my showerhead and my boredom with national questions, remember that I did not ask for any of it. I have no agency. I have no desires. I have no duties. I have no opinions. I am simply the product of the movement, the puppet of the movement, the Chester Missing of the ANC. But I urge everyone to work together with the movement. If you do, you too could be rewarded with a firepool and a tuckshop. I thank you. Your reluctant president, Jacob Zuma. PS: Compatriots, this is a political joke! * Eusebius McKaiser is the best-selling author of A Bantu In My Bathroom and Could I Vote DA? A Voter’s Dilemma. He is currently working on his third book, Searching For Sello Duiker. ** The views expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Independent Media.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Nov 2014 08:23:18 +0000
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