Even more late night jokes (second posting today): The Tonight Show With Jay Leno • At a press conference President Obama talked about Healthcare.gov and he said buying health insurance is never going to be as easy as buying a song on iTunes. The answer is simple. Fire the website people and hire the people at iTunes. There you go. Couldn’t be easier. • According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as not honest. That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history. • A Dutch study has found that people suffering from depression age faster than those who are not depressed. They say being depressed can actually take years off your life. Well, that should make depressed people feel a lot better, huh? • According to another study, using the Internet too much can cause psychological problems. The good news? Help is available online. ________________________________________ Conan • According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle. • Miley Cyrus said in an interview that she is one of the biggest feminists in the world. She said no one has done more than her to encourage women to lick the glass ceiling. • Miley believes in equal pay for equal twerk. • For the first time ever, a dog climbed Mount Everest. In a related story, the dogs walker wants a raise. ________________________________________ The Late Show With David Letterman • It has not rained in New York City since Labor Day. Because of the drought, down at Madison Square Garden they had to stop watering down the beer. • Here in New York City we have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. Hes 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. Shes a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moments notice. • The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. Hes a former leprechaun. • They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, its nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer. ________________________________________ The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson • Happy birthday to Prince Charles. He turned 65 today. Even though he is the heir to the throne, hell never be the king because his heir line is receding. • Prince Charles celebrated the birthday in India — as part of his Places We Used to Own Tour. • Charles also played his favorite game: Pin the Tail on Camilla. • Prince Charles has been in line for the throne for 61 years, or according to himself 61 years, seven months, 15 days, and three hours. ________________________________________ Jimmy Kimmel Live! • Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. Hes like your drunk uncle who is fun but youre just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself. • A dog named Rupee has become the first dog to climb Mount Everest. His owner really threw the heck out of a Frisbee, and up he went. • Id be pretty mad if somebody told me were going for a walk and then took me on a 17,000-foot climb through the snow. • Id be nervous, too, if I were that dog because you know if things go wrong on Mount Everest you are the first one theyre eating. Theres no question about it. ________________________________________ Late Night With Jimmy Fallon • House Speaker John Boehner said the Senates immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. Its always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement. • The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldnt get in. Then Obama said, “But when you do, let us know how you did it!” • A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Nov 2013 19:51:42 +0000
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